Back in my former blog life, a friend of mine and I used to post our choices for “HotBoy of the Week” on Wednesdays, just to help ya’ll (and us) get through the second half of the week. I decided that it was time to bring it back; so I think that I will start with the 5 guys on my List.

This week is the fabulous, talented and oh so hot Mark Salling. Enjoy!!

And Finally…as if I needed one more reason to adore this HotBoy (besides the fact that he’s articulate in addition to everything else)…

Mark, you’re the damn man…way to rock the New Kids gear!

Alright ya’ll I’ll leave you alone for a few minutes…I know I need some alone time…

I’m not quite ready to Defy Gravity, but:

I’m through accepting limits ’cause someone says they’re so. Some things I cannot change, but ’til I try, I’ll never know…

Today we had a team meeting with our new VP from the Washington DC office. It went better than I could have hoped. It looks like I may have the opportunity for advancement to the position I have spent the last three years work towards. It will mean going back to school at some point in the near future to finish my degree (a prospect that honestly scares the hell out of me); but if that’s what it will take to move forward then I will do it.

I spent years of my life so paralyzed by the fear of failure or just not being perfect and I have worked very hard to master those demons. I won’t let them keep me from what I’ve spent most of my waking hours striving towards. I love my job and it fulfills my deep-seated need for challenge and a dynamic work environment.

I’m already taking on even more responsibility but rather than stressing me out; I’m finally more energized than I have been in a while. I am looking forward to the new challenges I have coming my way and I think that these expanded projects will allow me the opportunity to show my bosses that I am ready for a promotion.

I am truly blessed to be surrounded by consummate professionals who are leaders in their respective fields; and to have these professional want to see me succeed. I’m not used to that in my work environment…I’m used to clawing my way up every single inch. And here, I have people championing my case in ways I don’t even know about. No joke, I have the greatest boss. Not only is he brilliant but he’s got a sense of humor. He appreciates my obsession with super high heels and his comment on my new stilettos (a pair of dark grey suede and Swarovski crystal studded Giuseppe Zannotti’s):

You know it’s been a good night if you wake up with puncture marks on your chest and those shoes look like they could do the trick!

Greatest boss ever!

On a much more serious note; today is AIDS Awareness Day. Get tested. Protect yourself. Don’t become a statistic and don’t ever become complacent.

Actual reality. Act up. Fight AIDS!

Today this song has been running through my head.

I love the words…and the track…okay and I really dig Mark Salling. Soon, I will start posting Hot Boy Wednesdays again…and yup, ya’ll guessed it, Mark is gonna be the next one.

Anyway, back to the song. It’s really hitting home for me right now. Nah, I don’t mean with addictions or anything like that…it’s deeper than that. I feel so frequently that I’m living from one emotional paycheck to the next, as it were. I seem to get a reserve of Light and then immediately deplete it and then it’s back to feigning for the next fix. It’s okay, I know that it has to be like this for now and I can handle it. And I truly am grateful for the people who share their Light with me and I’m thankful that I have the Light to share with my circle.

I guess I’m feeling less than fully authentic these days. It’s not on purpose; it’s not like I’m intentionally false. It’s more that I don’t think I’m nearly as invincible as everyone around me seems to think I am.

There’s a high schooler that I’m mentoring and she’s a phenomenal human being. But she’s struggling right now and she asked me how to be more real. I’m struggling to provide guidance that doesn’t seem trite even to my own head. She’s having the beginnings of a crisis of faith…I remember being 16 and I remember having some of the same inner crises (granted I had these much earlier than most people do) but everything I write feels so contrived. I need some clarity…some sense of direction to offer.

Time to focus…clear out some of the drama and bring back my own reserve of Light…hopefully soon…

Today is the first day in over a month that I am totally, completely alone in my house. It’s kind of nice. Don’t get me wrong, I adore all of my roommates…yes, having two additional people (including a teenage boy) as part of the household has taken some serious adjusting…but sometimes it’s nice to just be alone with my thoughts.

When I’m alone I also get to play my music as loud as I want…watch whatever movie I want (uninterrupted by commentary or questions)…do all my laundry in whichever order I choose…and stay in whatever stage of dress or undress I choose. Today has been the start of the soul-recharging I have desperately needed. Yes, I have quite a bit of work to do tomorrow; but today was good for me.

I did all the grown-up housecleaning, blah, blah, blah and then I curled up on the couch to watch Henry Rollins dvds. Henry always makes my soul lighter. After Live at Luna Park (I especially love his rant about Iggy Pop) and  Live and Ripped in London, I’m getting ready to start Live From the Conversation Pit (“I’m not saying, ‘Don’t call,’ I’m saying, ‘Call with purpose!’”). Ah, Rollins, you are pure genius…

The song of my day:

Faithful to Me by Jennifer Knapp

All the chisels I’ve dulled carving idols of stone

That have crumbled like sand ‘neath the waves

I recklessly built all my dreams in the sand

Just to watch them all wash away

 Through another day

Another trial

Another chance to reconcile

To the One who sees past all I see

And reaching out my weary hand

I pray that You understand

You’re the only one who’s faithful to me

 All the pennies I’ve wasted in my wishing well

I have thrown like stones to the sea

I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly

For a faith to be faithful to me

 Through another day

Another trial

Another chance to reconcile

To the One who sees past all I see

And reaching out my weary hand

I pray that you understand

You’re the only one who’s faithful to me

 You’re the only one who’s faithful to me

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you’re getting fat and maybe it’s been raining too long, you’re just sad that’s all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

Today I was in a mood…I woke up this morning looking for a fight. And for the first half of my day, it felt as if anyone and everyone was willing to oblige me. It took all the self-control I possessed to not lash out. The only vindication of the morning came during the morning commute…I was yelling at idiotic drivers around me and most of them not only realized they were the objects of my wrath but they responded accordingly by getting the hell away from me and my lane. That made me feel a bit better; but really I just wanted someone to engage me!

“You don’t wanna fuck with me today
‘Cause a little somethin somethin didn’t go your way
so, try not to be like that today” (thanks Fred)

To make matters worse, the office was much more crowded than it was supposed to be so my to-do list didn’t shrink the way I was hoping. And then, in the midst of my inner fit of rage, a song broke through my consciousness and all of a sudden, with this line, I knew the day was going to be alright after all…

“California might just be alright, at least for a while. She holds up her middle finger while she fakes a smile…” Pleasant Theresa by Jericho

So, today was long (12 hour workdays tend to feel that way even when they’re the norm) but I made it through without any bloodshed…but then, there’s always tomorrow…

It has been more than two years since I last wrote here. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to write…it’s not even that I couldn’t make the time (there are 24 usable hours in every day, right?). It’s more about fear…the fear of someone connecting me to my words and my life tumbling down around me…or maybe someone who knows me in my real world would be hurt by my words…I have reached the point where I can finally say: enough is enough.

I need to write again. I need the release. I need the grounding sanity I find in the words that appear on the page in front of me. My current world is all about analyzing every shred of information until there’s no mystery in it; there’s no possibility or differing viewpoint. Everything has an answer. Every problem has a solution. Black and white…maybe some shades of grey. That’s it. I have no room for indecisiveness…no weakness…no hesitation. Just keep pushing forward into the fire, forcing the flames to refine me.

But the thing about being refined by fire: it burns. It sears away all my illusions and turns everything I possess into ashes…well, not everything. At my core, my soul remains and every time I reconstruct myself and my life from the ashes, I know I am stronger for it. I become a little more resolved, a bit more wise.

I have chosen the path of greatest resistence and it is continuously molding me…shaping my will, my thoughts, my heart and my life. I like who I am: rough edges and all. The picture in front of me looks nothing like I thought it would. That actually makes me happier. I refuse to settle into mediocrity…for anyone or anything.

I have pulled all the choking weeds out by their roots, allowing the pain of severing to remind me of the path I’m on. I’m more alone now than I have ever been. It’s a freeing feeling really. Maybe that makes me selfish; maybe that makes me more selfless. I don’t know; what I do know is I’m on the path I was meant to follow…or forge, depending on the circumstance.

We die trying to impress each other; I’d rather be respected by a bolt of lightning. –Henry Rollins

So, it’s time I got back to my roots in every area. Including this one…

The days seem to just drag on right now. In some ways it feels like life is sailing past; but the things that really matter, well time practically stands still. Professionally I’m doing well…or so I hear. I’ve gotten great feedback on all the projects I’ve completed. In fact, I was tagged this week to work on projects specifically for the General. The Deputy Directors have been requesting me for a while now; their positive reception of my work is gratifying and I really need that to stay in this job.  We had an ORISE team meeting today and my project manager (read: guy who hired me) told me that there is a position, identical to the one I hold, opening in
Tennessee. Actually, it the exact job I wanted when I applied back in April last year. My boss told me he would put in a transfer request if I wanted it…I turned it down. No questions asked. I just said, “No thank you”.  Maybe it was a mistake; but I don’t think so. If I left right now it would be wrong for several reasons.  

1. Right now I would be using this as an escape from the parts of my life that I’m not happy with
2. There is no way that Oakridge could offer me the opportunities of professional growth that I already have here
3. G-ma and G-pa are back on this coast so my major reason for moving is no longer valid
4. Moving right now would be nothing more than an escape from the parts of my life that I’m not happy with [redundancy is intentional here, kids]

I get to start with a new boss in just over two weeks, after our After Action Report is on the Governor’s desk and I can’t wait. I will be shadowing the Exercise Director through the planning and execution of the Statewide Full Scale Exercise in November. Working for a loud retired firefighter is right up my alley.  We get along great and being a multi-tasker is definitely coming in handy. I swear he’s yet to finish one sentence before he’s on to the next thought. Anyway, I’m already getting to have a hand in all the processes involved in putting together statewide disaster preparedness exercises.   I’ve been throwing myself into my work even more than normal to make up for the fact that Adrian and I have been having a rough patch…or at least he’s been having a rough patch. I don’t know much and I don’t want to talk about what I do know…it’s tough enough to acknowledge it in my own mind. But when my personal life is up in the air…my professional life flourishes. Fortunately there is enough work to keep me busy and my mind mostly off of
Adrian…at least between the hours of 8 and 6.  I would also like to take this opportunity to plug the amazing quality of MAC make-up. I spent about 15 minutes driving and crying this morning and when I got to Starbucks, my make up was still perfect…the only telling feature was the redness of my eyes. When I got to work, no one was the wiser. MAC rocks, period.

So I stole this idea from <a href=”http://sios.mu.nu/”>Miss Joan</a> it just took me a little longer to get mine written.

1. I’m an Aries/Taurus Cusp kid. I was born directly in the center of the “Week of Power” which should explain a lot.
2.  I used to speak fluent Spanish…I even dream in Spanish when I’m really tired. While I was in college I taught myself Latin.  I also read and comprehend French.
3. I lived in
   N. Hollywood for a while. The city sucked…the apartment rocked. You can see it in Fast and the Furious.
4. I used to be head of PR for an independent clothing company…we had a huge celebrity following but the start-up capital wasn’t there and the company folded despite its popularity.
5. I used to live in
   Mexico every summer…if I could move back there for good I would do it in a heart beat.
6. My scariest moment happened before my senior year in high school. I was almost kidnapped in
   Mexico. I was dragged two blocks and down some stairwell before anyone got to me.  If one of my friends hadn’t been there…I wouldn’t be here now. To this day I will not willingly set foot in
   Tijuana.
7.  I like a man who knows how to use his hands; in fact, hands are one of the first physical features I notice on a man.
8. My favorite place to watch a sunset is the Ferry Landing in
   Coronado
9. My favorite artist is Shano; my favorite poets are Viggo Mortensen and Henry Rollins
10. I was born a firstborn…but after my parents adopted or took in other kids, I am now a third born….I’m still not used to being bossed around.
11. It’s been three years, but when I tell time my brain still automatically calculates the time in
    Iraq.
12. I see other people’s dreams all the time. Sometimes more vividly than they see it themselves…it used to scare me.
13. I dream walk…I have since I was 5 years old. It gets kinda crowded in my head sometimes.
14. There are three people I feel to the core of my being at all times.
15. If given the opportunity, I would trade my opposite soul for what’s behind door #2.
16. I wasn’t always an insomniac. It started when
    Clark went overseas…only recently has my body readjusted from Operation Iraqi Freedom time.
17. Other girls intimidate me sometimes. Guys make more sense to me.
18. I am irrationally terrified of lawn gnomes. I really do freak out if I see one unexpectedly. I’m also afraid of green parrots…I don’t like birds, but it’s mostly green parrots that scare me.
19. The first concert I ever went to was the Moody Blues when I was three.
20. I am a recovered anorexic purger. I don’t ever get on scales. If required to, I face backwards and close my eyes…just in case.
21.  I have colored my hair since I was 11…I don’t actually know what my “natural” hair color would be now.
22. I was a competitive cheerleader when I was a kid. Then, I coached cheer in college. I was also in colorguard in high school. (I know MOH is cringing to read this)
23. I was a ballet dancer for 12 years. I passed all my examinations through the Royal Academy of Ballet,
    London.  That means I fall gracefully.
24. I quit dancing to ride horses competitively.  I own two horses but I haven’t ridden since high school.
25. I have broken all of my toes except my big toes. (Some more than once). I’ve also broken three ribs, my tailbone and my elbow….only a few of these happened because of my clumsiness.
26. The only food I really crave is
    California burritos from Santana’s.  They only have Santana’s in

    San Diego
    County…well, and sometimes I crave chiliquiles

27. My house in
    San Diego almost burned down in the fires two years ago…the dirt lot was all that saved it….most of the neighborhood was damaged or destroyed
28. I used to sing karaoke every week with professional drag queens
29. I’m still friends with my kindergarten best friend (I’m her daughter’s godmother)
30. My first boyfriend is now a professional bull rider
31. I can’t stand wearing anything other than a g-string during the day.
32. I am a die hard football fan. I love my 49ers in the good years and the bad. You don’t want to see me if is miss a game. I live for football season.
33. I got hooked on basketball the year the kings got Mike Bibby. It was coincidence…but now he’s my favorite player.  He also lives in my home town
34. I used to be a seatfiller and crowd controller for awards shows. I don’t get to go anymore because I have grown-up responsibilities.
35. I LOVE to drive. Driving fast relaxes me.
36. Lancers are my favorite car…if I had a million dollars to spend on a car…I would still buy a Lancer….it would be the Ralliart Edition though or the Evo VIII. (I don’t like the new ones)
37. Doc Holiday (the best known vocal coach and producer in
    Hollywood) told me I had a great singing voice. (He caught me singing Michael Jackson songs in the hallway of a hotel when I was working security)
38. I still love cartoons. Rocky and Bullwinkle are the greatest. I even named my Pomeranian Natasha Fatale (we call her Tiny) because I loved Rocky and Bullwinkle so much. She was the greatest villain…did every thing in heels and full make-up and her hair was always perfect.
39. I’ve gotten the suicide call from someone I loved. (He’s actually ok as far as I know)
40. Except for pot, I have NEVER done any illegal drug. Pot was only twice and I have an adverse reaction to it…it makes me aggressive and downright mean. I can’t even get contact high
41. A contact high was the reason I got kicked out of a Tim McGraw concert…I got in a fight with a dumb bitch who was picking on some kids.
42. If it weren’t for Adrian and the new job, I would move to Chattanooga TN in a heartbeat…other than that I wouldn’t want to leave Cali…except maybe to go to
    Mexico.
43. I have never smoked a cigarette in my life.
44. My extended family is really close…my cousins are like my siblings.
45. It takes a lot to offend me. I grew up in a fire house and it shows. It’s actually the only way I can survive where I work now
46. I make less money as a contractor working for Homeland Security than I did working as a receptionist at a seafood distribution plant.
47. I hate sleeping alone. I sleep much better with someone else. Staying with
    Adrian is actually what ended my insomnia.
48. If I could quit my jobs for a year and have my bills taken care of I would go get my mechanic’s license.
49. I free-lance as a make-up artist and I would quit my job tomorrow to work for MAC.
50. I only wear MAC make-up and I convert everyone I come into contact with.
51. I almost never leave the house without full make-up on…I figure that other people have to look at me too.
52. It pisses me off when people don’t even bother to brush their hair before leaving the house.
53. I love tall heels. I have probably 30-40 pairs of tall heels.
54. I’ve been told that I should work for a 900 number
55. I won’t date a man who is shorter than me…I’m only 5′3…I don’t think that’s asking a lot
56. I used to be a compulsive weight lifter…I used to bench press my body weight…the decline is my favorite…
57. I got out of running stadiums in high school because I bet my PE teacher I could out bench her…I did and she didn’t make me do stadiums for the rest of the year
58. I’ve been an EMT since I was 18 and I LOVE
    EMS work…I thrive under pressure.
59. I will sacrifice of myself if someone I care about needs me. I am loyal to a fault. I stand up for the people I care about to my own detriment.
60. I used to skip class in high school to go beat old men at pool.
61. I got kicked out of my parents’ house on a routine basis from the time I was 15 until I was 21. (the last year I didn’t live there but they still had my stuff) To this day I’m not quite sure why they kicked me out most of the time.
62. It doesn’t bother me if strangers make assumptions about me but it pisses me off when my friends do
63. I am much better at long distance friendships than I ever thought I would be
64. My grandma is one of my biggest heroes. I want to be like her
65. My biggest struggle with organized religion is the hypocrisy of other “Christians”
66. I am completely left-handed…I only have a right arm so I don’t appear unbalanced
67. I don’t believe in rebound relationships. Two reasons: 1) there aren’t enough good ones to go fucking them up with drama 2) if he’s not one of the good ones, then I don’t want to waste my time
68. My English teacher during my senior year of high school is the reason that I went to college and that I understand my faith.
69. I wish I had even a fraction of the writing ability of MOH.
70. I rarely like “chick flick” movies, but every once in a while, I fall in love with a cheesy Hallmark movie.
71. I despise working with women…I love that my current job has me working with 28 men and three females.
72. I relate to everything through music…I only wish I could be as articulate with my own thoughts.
73. Sahaj Ticotin’s voice has gotten me through all of my tough times since I first heard him six years ago.
74. I’m not particularly superstitious, but I do think that much of my recent drama is because I broke my rearview mirror two days before Christmas.
75. I’ve lived near the

    Napa
    Valley for much of my life, but I despise all wine I’ve ever tried…I just never acquired the taste.

76. My libido could power a third world country…I think that intimidates some of the guys I hang out with.
77. If I ever get married, I want a Mardi Gras-type wedding…based on several of Shano’s paintings.
78. Most people are surprised to find out that I only have one tattoo and I only got that one recently.
79. One of the best pieces I’ve ever received came from my dad. He told me, “Always remain childlike without being childish.”
80. My passport only has one stamp in it and I think that is a tragedy. I want to fill all of the pages.
81. I have a tendency to quote movies…frequently.
82. Halloween and Christmas are my favorite holidays.
83. Almost every weekday (and some weekends) for the last six months I have gotten a venti unsweetened black iced tea from the same Starbucks. I won’t hardly darken the doors of another Starbucks…I love mine too much.
84. I love to cook but I hate to eat whatever I’ve made. I would much rather feed others.
85. I met one of my old roommates on a street corner in
    San Francisco.
86. It grosses me out not have my toenails painted….they are always red or burgundy.
87. I collect Rosie the Riveter stuff…the more unusual the better.
88. I really want children…whether I give birth to them or adopt is immaterial.
89. Most days at work I’m afraid that someone will realize that I am completely unqualified for my job and take it away from me.
90. Some days I wish they would and then I could go back to just being a receptionist.
91. I almost mailed a postcard in to Post Secret, but before I could, someone else mailed in the same secret as mine…the same way I was going to.
92. The last three places I’ve worked have nicknamed me porn star names.
93. A man growling in Spanish is one of my biggest turn-ons.
94. One of the biggest compliments I’ve received recently was being told by a spec ops soldier whose specialty is psychological warfare that I read people too well for mind games to actually be effective. He told me that very few people can see through him like I could.
95. I have failed “sensitivity training” before. I didn’t get offended at the right things and I said the wrong things out loud…personally, I think that’s how I get along better with people.
96. I used to spend my summers in “Tornado Alley” in Kansas…I’ve never been scared of tornados; but I’ve always had an unnatural fear of basements…I talked my parents out of buying a giant Victorian house one time because I was so terrified of the basement I wouldn’t set foot back inside that house.
97. There are very few words that really bother me…most are racial slurs…the others would surprise most people.
98. I firmly believe that a person can’t be happy with anyone else until they can be completely happy with themselves. Sometimes I wish I didn’t believe that so strongly.
99. I get scared at times that I will never have someone love me as deeply as my dad loves my mom.

100. The things I fall in love with person for are things that most people don’t even notice. For me, it’s the little things. Like with
Adrian, it was actually his hands and the laugh lines around his eyes and the light that emanates from him that made me find him so very beautiful. I believe that you have to love a person for their flaws not in spite of them

Happy New Year!!

I don’t believe in resolutions; I figure, if there is something that I want to change about myself then I should just change it. There is no reason to wait around for a new year to start. However, I do have a couple wishes for the new year.

1. It is my hope that each and everyone of you has a year of peace, joy and friendship.
2. I wish for MOH and I to grasp all the happiness and love there is to be gained from this world. It’s our turn to shine, MOH.
3. I want to see the beauty in the little things this year, even with thr stress of everyday life.

I don’t think I’m asking or expecting too much from this next year…only what I know is very possible. I enjoyed the second half of 2006 and I’ve decided that I’m looking forward to the start of 2007.

Love and light to all of you.

Today is the three year anniversary of the death of Spc. Michael G. Mihalakis. He was a member of Clark’s unit in Iraq. Michael died of injuries sustained in a non-combat vehicle accident at the Baghdad International Airport on December 26, 2003.

In some ways it seems difficult to believe that three whole years have passed…in others it seems as if it was an entire lifetime ago. I think that too many of us have lost a personal connection to this war and to the soldiers still fighting it. I know that personally, I would have completely lost touch with the day to day events of the war if it weren’t for MOH and the men in uniform I work with.

However, even with the craziness and stress of everyday life, it’s still important to remember those who gave their all. So, to Michael’s family: Thank you. While my words can never replace what you lost, know that you have my gratitude. I know that nothing can bring your son back; but he will always be remembered.