For the past few New Year’s Eves, I have chosen self-imposed seclusion. I stay home either alone or with just one or two other people and lay low. I think after years of bartending or partying like a rock star on New Year’s I rather like the quiet. I watch a lot of Rollins, drink beer and let myself recharge for the year ahead.

But, before I turn into a hermit, here’s this week’s Hot Boy!

I became a fan a few years back when I watched The Covenant for the first time. It’s ridiculously awful and awesome all at the same time. (I mean, who doesn’t love a mostly naked Taylor Kitsch and “water balloons of power”?) Since then, I’ve seen all his works…multiple times, and I do love his “man-boy lost” character, Tim Riggins on Friday Night Lights

So, for your viewing pleasure: Taylor Kitsch

And…the modeling photos…

I remember this next one was wall sized in my neighborhood Abercrombie & Fitch store…

Enjoy! And Happy New Year!!

My roomate asked me help her learn to block the free-flowing emotions of others from invading every fiber of her being. She’s becoming aware that she has empathic abilities; but without guidence, the road to controlling the ability rather than it controlling you is a rough one. It’s been a while since I’ve taught this type of control to one who is so blocked otherwise. Normally, when I get to this point with a person, they are already self-aware and have an unromanticized view of their own spirituality…that’s not the case for this friend.

I have refilled my own Light reservoirs and soon I will attempt to show her a path of both less and greater resistence…we’ll see how it works…

This is one of the passages I hope she will understand:

Be careful with your face
Be careful with your eyes
Be careful with what you say
You can’t retract a single thing you do
Every action is true
Some people don’t care about apologies
When you lose your temper
You throw in all your cards
You give them everythinh they need to pull you apart
Be careful with what you let show
Be careful with what you hold back and how you do it
Some people can read faces like headlines

–Henry Rollins, See A Grown Man Cry, Now Watch Him Die

Henry is one of the greats…

I don’t know about ya’ll, but Christmas really snuck up on me this year. Between work, illness and life in general, Amazon became my new best friend. Today I’ve been running around trying to finish all those last minute things that “make” Christmas “complete”. And then I got this email from MOH. I hope she doesn’t mind the reprint, but it really put me in check. With all of the hassle and drama of the last several weeks, I haven’t been remotely in the “Christmas Spirit” but today I got some serious perspective…and it was about as subtle as getting hit in the head with a ton of bricks…but it was also exactly what I needed; so I want to share it here. (So, a huge thank you to MOH and to her friend Skip for reminding me what the Spirit of Christmas really is)

Considering the season, I just wanted to share……..
One of the charities I’ve been volunteering some time with this year did a special “Christmas night” earlier this week. We got names of local children and young people from wish trees, schools, churches and the like. A local store, Kohl’s, got involved and arranged a special night for the kids to go shopping. Each child got a gift card for $100 and a volunteer from our group to help them shop. Kohl’s set the night up, set up separate registers just for our group, and store workers volunteered their time to help check the kids out. We got the parents to fill out an information sheet with each child’s clothing sizes, gift preferences, and anything that the parent didn’t want them to get.  We had a TON of volunteers to help. Adults, teachers, and my son and a few of his friends asked to join in too. A lot of us had our own children along, which made it even cooler.  The manager at Kohl’s told us they had more workers volunteering to help then they could even use.  (And they were doing this all on their own time!)
We took 52 young people that night, with ages ranging from about 6 to 17. Kohl’s had set up some tables and the employees had brought in drinks and cookies and stuff for the kids while they shopped. They had even arranged special discounts for us, taking 40 to 70 % off whatever the kids picked out. The people at store were AWESOME about everything! Their instructions were that NO child was allowed to spend anything less then their $100. If they were even a few dollars short, they sent them back for more.  And any child just a few dollars over?  Well, they never heard about it.  They treated the kids like royalty that night.
One of the young people I got to help that night was a very quiet, shy young man named Tobias. While we started shopping I started toward the toys and games, but Tobias was only interested in clothes. One of the first things he picked out was a big pack of underwear. Underwear? And from the list I had, it wasn’t even the right size. I talked with Tobias and tried to explain that it wasn’t the right size, but he insisted. After a minute he told me that it wasn’t his size, but that was because it wasn’t for him. It was his brothers size. That’s what he wanted…something for his brother. And the look on his face was just simply “happy”.
I swear, I didn’t even know what to say. Tobias was there to get stuff for him, and he was more worried about his brother then himself. And he was grinning like a loon about it. And it wasn’t even a unique story. I heard the same things from a lot of the other volunteers. The kids were all including others in what they were picking out. And they were getting excited beyond all reason at new clothes, and shoes that didn’t have holes in them. I kept thinking about my last few weeks and picking out presents for my kids or my mom, stuff for my sister and her husband, and even my dog…and the truth is, I suddenly found myself feeling really small and very insignificant somehow.
Most of what Tobias wanted was clothing. Not toys or games, but socks and jeans and a heavy hoody. He loved the tennis shoes he picked out!  So we made a deal. I grabbed a second cart and we made two piles. One full of stuff for Tobias, and one for his brother. I made very sure that he spent all of his gift card on his stuff…..Santa took care of his brother.
I watched all the other helpers, and they were all doing the same things I was. That’s when I realized I wasn’t just looking at a group of kids who were a less fortunate then others and people trying to “give” and help a little.  I was looking straight at Christmas. The part of Christmas that’s “real”, I guess. The part I still want to believe in.  Nobody worrying if the present was “in”, or if it was expensive enough. Very few of the kids wanted video games, jewelry or a designer name on their butt or a fancy cell phone to show off to their friends. Mostly they wanted warm clothes, and shoes, or stuff to give their moms. Oh yes…..and underwear for their brother.
So I’m sending this out with a special prayer for each of you, just for you. I hope that you have a wonderful holiday season, and wish wonderful things for you and your families. But my real wish, and my prayer, for you, is this: I hope that He lets you see the “real” Christmas. The part of Christmas I still love.  And if you’re really lucky, like I was…..I hope you get to see it in the face of a child, smiling and clutching a pack of new underwear for their brother. 
 
Peace on Earth…….
Skip

Be safe and blessed this Christmas.

Back in my former blog life, a friend of mine and I used to post our choices for “HotBoy of the Week” on Wednesdays, just to help ya’ll (and us) get through the second half of the week. I decided that it was time to bring it back; so I think that I will start with the 5 guys on my List.

This week is the fabulous, talented and oh so hot Mark Salling. Enjoy!!

And Finally…as if I needed one more reason to adore this HotBoy (besides the fact that he’s articulate in addition to everything else)…

Mark, you’re the damn man…way to rock the New Kids gear!

Alright ya’ll I’ll leave you alone for a few minutes…I know I need some alone time…

I’m not quite ready to Defy Gravity, but:

I’m through accepting limits ’cause someone says they’re so. Some things I cannot change, but ’til I try, I’ll never know…

Today we had a team meeting with our new VP from the Washington DC office. It went better than I could have hoped. It looks like I may have the opportunity for advancement to the position I have spent the last three years work towards. It will mean going back to school at some point in the near future to finish my degree (a prospect that honestly scares the hell out of me); but if that’s what it will take to move forward then I will do it.

I spent years of my life so paralyzed by the fear of failure or just not being perfect and I have worked very hard to master those demons. I won’t let them keep me from what I’ve spent most of my waking hours striving towards. I love my job and it fulfills my deep-seated need for challenge and a dynamic work environment.

I’m already taking on even more responsibility but rather than stressing me out; I’m finally more energized than I have been in a while. I am looking forward to the new challenges I have coming my way and I think that these expanded projects will allow me the opportunity to show my bosses that I am ready for a promotion.

I am truly blessed to be surrounded by consummate professionals who are leaders in their respective fields; and to have these professional want to see me succeed. I’m not used to that in my work environment…I’m used to clawing my way up every single inch. And here, I have people championing my case in ways I don’t even know about. No joke, I have the greatest boss. Not only is he brilliant but he’s got a sense of humor. He appreciates my obsession with super high heels and his comment on my new stilettos (a pair of dark grey suede and Swarovski crystal studded Giuseppe Zannotti’s):

You know it’s been a good night if you wake up with puncture marks on your chest and those shoes look like they could do the trick!

Greatest boss ever!

On a much more serious note; today is AIDS Awareness Day. Get tested. Protect yourself. Don’t become a statistic and don’t ever become complacent.

Actual reality. Act up. Fight AIDS!

Today this song has been running through my head.

I love the words…and the track…okay and I really dig Mark Salling. Soon, I will start posting Hot Boy Wednesdays again…and yup, ya’ll guessed it, Mark is gonna be the next one.

Anyway, back to the song. It’s really hitting home for me right now. Nah, I don’t mean with addictions or anything like that…it’s deeper than that. I feel so frequently that I’m living from one emotional paycheck to the next, as it were. I seem to get a reserve of Light and then immediately deplete it and then it’s back to feigning for the next fix. It’s okay, I know that it has to be like this for now and I can handle it. And I truly am grateful for the people who share their Light with me and I’m thankful that I have the Light to share with my circle.

I guess I’m feeling less than fully authentic these days. It’s not on purpose; it’s not like I’m intentionally false. It’s more that I don’t think I’m nearly as invincible as everyone around me seems to think I am.

There’s a high schooler that I’m mentoring and she’s a phenomenal human being. But she’s struggling right now and she asked me how to be more real. I’m struggling to provide guidance that doesn’t seem trite even to my own head. She’s having the beginnings of a crisis of faith…I remember being 16 and I remember having some of the same inner crises (granted I had these much earlier than most people do) but everything I write feels so contrived. I need some clarity…some sense of direction to offer.

Time to focus…clear out some of the drama and bring back my own reserve of Light…hopefully soon…

Today is the first day in over a month that I am totally, completely alone in my house. It’s kind of nice. Don’t get me wrong, I adore all of my roommates…yes, having two additional people (including a teenage boy) as part of the household has taken some serious adjusting…but sometimes it’s nice to just be alone with my thoughts.

When I’m alone I also get to play my music as loud as I want…watch whatever movie I want (uninterrupted by commentary or questions)…do all my laundry in whichever order I choose…and stay in whatever stage of dress or undress I choose. Today has been the start of the soul-recharging I have desperately needed. Yes, I have quite a bit of work to do tomorrow; but today was good for me.

I did all the grown-up housecleaning, blah, blah, blah and then I curled up on the couch to watch Henry Rollins dvds. Henry always makes my soul lighter. After Live at Luna Park (I especially love his rant about Iggy Pop) and  Live and Ripped in London, I’m getting ready to start Live From the Conversation Pit (“I’m not saying, ‘Don’t call,’ I’m saying, ‘Call with purpose!’”). Ah, Rollins, you are pure genius…

The song of my day:

Faithful to Me by Jennifer Knapp

All the chisels I’ve dulled carving idols of stone

That have crumbled like sand ‘neath the waves

I recklessly built all my dreams in the sand

Just to watch them all wash away

 Through another day

Another trial

Another chance to reconcile

To the One who sees past all I see

And reaching out my weary hand

I pray that You understand

You’re the only one who’s faithful to me

 All the pennies I’ve wasted in my wishing well

I have thrown like stones to the sea

I have cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly

For a faith to be faithful to me

 Through another day

Another trial

Another chance to reconcile

To the One who sees past all I see

And reaching out my weary hand

I pray that you understand

You’re the only one who’s faithful to me

 You’re the only one who’s faithful to me

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you’re getting fat and maybe it’s been raining too long, you’re just sad that’s all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

Today I was in a mood…I woke up this morning looking for a fight. And for the first half of my day, it felt as if anyone and everyone was willing to oblige me. It took all the self-control I possessed to not lash out. The only vindication of the morning came during the morning commute…I was yelling at idiotic drivers around me and most of them not only realized they were the objects of my wrath but they responded accordingly by getting the hell away from me and my lane. That made me feel a bit better; but really I just wanted someone to engage me!

“You don’t wanna fuck with me today
‘Cause a little somethin somethin didn’t go your way
so, try not to be like that today” (thanks Fred)

To make matters worse, the office was much more crowded than it was supposed to be so my to-do list didn’t shrink the way I was hoping. And then, in the midst of my inner fit of rage, a song broke through my consciousness and all of a sudden, with this line, I knew the day was going to be alright after all…

“California might just be alright, at least for a while. She holds up her middle finger while she fakes a smile…” Pleasant Theresa by Jericho

So, today was long (12 hour workdays tend to feel that way even when they’re the norm) but I made it through without any bloodshed…but then, there’s always tomorrow…

It has been more than two years since I last wrote here. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to write…it’s not even that I couldn’t make the time (there are 24 usable hours in every day, right?). It’s more about fear…the fear of someone connecting me to my words and my life tumbling down around me…or maybe someone who knows me in my real world would be hurt by my words…I have reached the point where I can finally say: enough is enough.

I need to write again. I need the release. I need the grounding sanity I find in the words that appear on the page in front of me. My current world is all about analyzing every shred of information until there’s no mystery in it; there’s no possibility or differing viewpoint. Everything has an answer. Every problem has a solution. Black and white…maybe some shades of grey. That’s it. I have no room for indecisiveness…no weakness…no hesitation. Just keep pushing forward into the fire, forcing the flames to refine me.

But the thing about being refined by fire: it burns. It sears away all my illusions and turns everything I possess into ashes…well, not everything. At my core, my soul remains and every time I reconstruct myself and my life from the ashes, I know I am stronger for it. I become a little more resolved, a bit more wise.

I have chosen the path of greatest resistence and it is continuously molding me…shaping my will, my thoughts, my heart and my life. I like who I am: rough edges and all. The picture in front of me looks nothing like I thought it would. That actually makes me happier. I refuse to settle into mediocrity…for anyone or anything.

I have pulled all the choking weeds out by their roots, allowing the pain of severing to remind me of the path I’m on. I’m more alone now than I have ever been. It’s a freeing feeling really. Maybe that makes me selfish; maybe that makes me more selfless. I don’t know; what I do know is I’m on the path I was meant to follow…or forge, depending on the circumstance.

We die trying to impress each other; I’d rather be respected by a bolt of lightning. –Henry Rollins

So, it’s time I got back to my roots in every area. Including this one…

The days seem to just drag on right now. In some ways it feels like life is sailing past; but the things that really matter, well time practically stands still. Professionally I’m doing well…or so I hear. I’ve gotten great feedback on all the projects I’ve completed. In fact, I was tagged this week to work on projects specifically for the General. The Deputy Directors have been requesting me for a while now; their positive reception of my work is gratifying and I really need that to stay in this job.  We had an ORISE team meeting today and my project manager (read: guy who hired me) told me that there is a position, identical to the one I hold, opening in
Tennessee. Actually, it the exact job I wanted when I applied back in April last year. My boss told me he would put in a transfer request if I wanted it…I turned it down. No questions asked. I just said, “No thank you”.  Maybe it was a mistake; but I don’t think so. If I left right now it would be wrong for several reasons.  

1. Right now I would be using this as an escape from the parts of my life that I’m not happy with
2. There is no way that Oakridge could offer me the opportunities of professional growth that I already have here
3. G-ma and G-pa are back on this coast so my major reason for moving is no longer valid
4. Moving right now would be nothing more than an escape from the parts of my life that I’m not happy with [redundancy is intentional here, kids]

I get to start with a new boss in just over two weeks, after our After Action Report is on the Governor’s desk and I can’t wait. I will be shadowing the Exercise Director through the planning and execution of the Statewide Full Scale Exercise in November. Working for a loud retired firefighter is right up my alley.  We get along great and being a multi-tasker is definitely coming in handy. I swear he’s yet to finish one sentence before he’s on to the next thought. Anyway, I’m already getting to have a hand in all the processes involved in putting together statewide disaster preparedness exercises.   I’ve been throwing myself into my work even more than normal to make up for the fact that Adrian and I have been having a rough patch…or at least he’s been having a rough patch. I don’t know much and I don’t want to talk about what I do know…it’s tough enough to acknowledge it in my own mind. But when my personal life is up in the air…my professional life flourishes. Fortunately there is enough work to keep me busy and my mind mostly off of
Adrian…at least between the hours of 8 and 6.  I would also like to take this opportunity to plug the amazing quality of MAC make-up. I spent about 15 minutes driving and crying this morning and when I got to Starbucks, my make up was still perfect…the only telling feature was the redness of my eyes. When I got to work, no one was the wiser. MAC rocks, period.