Musings of an Empress

In the words of Henry Rollins (one of the greats, in my opinion):

“If I thought it would help
I would stay with you as long as it took
I would show you something different
That i was telling you the truth the whole time
As it is right now
I have taken all I can
Your shallowness has thrown me into a deep hole
It would be better for me to hate you I know
But I can’t
I try but I keep thinking of you sitting alone
Seeing yourself as pieces of broken glass on the floor
Your inverted rage is hard to be around
Good luck.”

Sometimes…that’s really all there is to say.

I was reading some Rollins tonight and I came across this poem from the fantastic book One From None and it immediately made me think of Clark. When he came over the other night, he sat on my couch and we talked about his redeployment…it’s only a matter of time…we both know that. Honestly, I want him to go back. I know that at first glance that statement seems like a horrible thing to say; especially about someone you love. But I want him to go back because I love him. I know that it’s what he needs.

All my war stories are old
They hang like old clothes in the closet
No one wants to hear old war stories
It’s all I have right now
My mouth flops dry in the air
I am in this room pacing the floors
Sun up sun down grinding my teeth
Jumping at shadows waiting
I don’t want to think about that old war anymore
It’s driving me up the wall with bad insanity
I need a new war
High on warI knew the first day Clark was with me in Washington that he would go back. He swore up and down that day that no matter what, he would never let them deploy him again because it would mean leaving me. But I knew, deep down, as I sat in his lap on the floor of our hotel room that he would go back. Not only would he go back, it would be his choice. He wouldn’t turn down any mission they gave him; in fact he would volunteer. I saw it in his eyes…felt it in his soul.I didn’t know when it would happen, but I knew that it would. Sometimes I think I know him entirely too well. We’re a lot alike, he and I. When we feel that we have a purpose, we stop at nothing to accomplish it. Come hell or high water or both, that mission will be completed. His isn’t finished yet, not by a long shot. We both have quite a ways to go but I have faith that we’ll reach the end intact.

I feel the need in him to go back getting stronger all the time. It’s painful, but I wouldn’t trade it because it’s who he is. When the time comes, he’ll go. All the promises, hopes and dreams will be tossed aside in favor of duty. I’ve always known that about him.

For him, coming home was like a boxer who is forced out of the ring before the match is over. For the boxer, one of two things will happen. He will either lose the fire in his eyes and soul and become a shell of a man. Or, he will find a way (the means will be immaterial) to get back into the ring. If he makes it into the ring,he will fight and fight until it’s completed. Only then will he emerge a whole man capable of maintaining the fire and light in his soul.

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there’s just one left
‘Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
and you’ll never go
Stop breathing if
I don’t see you anymore

On my knees, I’ll ask
Last chance for one last dance
‘Cause with you, I’d withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I’d give it all
I’d give for us
Give anything but I won’t give up
‘Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
and you’ll never go
Stop breathing if
I don’t see you anymore

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
‘Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
‘Cause I’m not leaving
Hold on to me and
never let me go

Clark showed up on my doorstep last night. He wasn’t the last person I expected to see…but he was definitely up there on the list. It was okay…no major drama…nothing earth-shattering. It was actually kind of nice. Still not sure what prompted his visit…or whether it will happen again, but it was good to see him…especially to see him in my house…not in a bar or any other neutral location.

As an amusing sidenote: he has very recently come to a revalation…my gay husband is gay. Just incase anyone was confused on that count. I laughed for so long last night. Clark was trying to be sly and secretive…it might have worked if I wasn’t me and I didn’t know him. He was all kinds of spinning out that I knew more about the whole situation than he did. Boys.

***Caution, the following post is stream of consciousness…don’t expect it to all make sense. Just getting all the words out was cathartic***

Or rather, between the rain storms. That’s where I am at this precise moment. I have started about ten posts this last week. I haven’t been able to finish a single one. I can’t seem to find the right words. This is supposed to be my outlet…the place I can write anything and everything. But it feels lately, that I can’t be completely forthright. I hate that. It’s not me.

My emotions are in turmoil these days…I can’t slow them down long enough to analyze them…though it’s probably better this way. The sun is shining and it is a beautiful sight. I wish I could focus on that…other than the sunlight, today is completely a Monday.

You’ll see the sun appear to light the way
Only after the rain
Can you hope to find true love again
He never really loved you from the start
The only thing he ever gave you was a broken heart
Come on and take my hand and I’ll pull you through
You know the time has come for you to face the truth

I wonder about that sometimes…how much of it was true? How much of it was just to have someone? I don’t let myself get pulled in too far…I can’t, he still calls periodically to say he misses me and wants to see me…blah, blah, woof, woof. Same old story different day. We went over it all again this weekend. It confounds him that I no longer drop what I’m doing for him.

I can understand that confusion…at the same time, I shake my head in wry amusement…I told him exactly what I would do. I even asked him this weekend when we talked: “Have I ever once done anything contrary to what I told you I would do?”

The answer: “No Audrey you haven’t; you’ve always done exactly what you said. You have kept every promise you made.”

Then believe me when I tell you. It’s not so complicated. I am tired of people asking over and over again for me to tell them who I am.

You want to know? Stop asking and start listening. I’m no good at games. I say what I mean. Do I sometimes cage my responses? Yeah, at times, but only when to speak more plainly would be to invite more trouble than either of us need.

I’m feeling a bit evil and vindictive today…after the last 48 hours, it would be hard not to. Clark sent me a mass forward this week…quite apropos actually; it asks a series of questions based on “what if I was your boyfriend/girlfriend (as the case may be)” The point is to fill it out and send it back to the person so they can understand more about how you are in relationship and I suppose to find out if you “have a crush” on the person who sent it to you. It’s rather juvenile…however, there are some questions I would love to answer for him.

It would go something like this:
If we were together…

would i regret it? I don’t know, you tell me.

would you love me? I still do

would u listen to all my problems and help me solve them? Umm, again, you call me at 3am to listen to you.

would you take me anywhere special? That would require you showing up sometime when you say you will

If someone tried to fight with me infront of you what would you do? Step in between and diffuse the situation, just like I always did…remember Tacoma???

If i cheated on you would you take me back? Well, I did…more than once…though it appears we reached the limits of my understanding…

If i said i loved you would you say it back? By this point, even people who don’t know us know that answer…

So there you have it…I kinda feel better getting that onto “paper”. There is so much more to write on so many different fronts. There are three men in my world who are kryptonite to me. For the kids who are new to the class, those three are Clark, Kalohe and JD.
That said, I had interaction will all three of them this weekend. I was definitely on hot man overload. Beyond that, my emotions are all kinds of confused and fucked up right now. I have now officially written a novella (except that all this is true) so I should probably get some work done this morning. There is much more swirling through my head…we’ll see how long it takes me to get more of it out.

Last night Kalohe and I watched Jarhead. The movie was well done. I really want to read the book that Anthony Swafford wrote (yes i know that i’m lame because I haven’t read it yet). I heard him speak a few years back shortly after I got out of high school.

Anyway, watching the movie brought back some very unpleasant memories from Clark’s deployment. THe portrayal of all the wives and girlfriends back home was sickening. Every single one of the (except for the very pregnant wife of one marine) was shown as a Barracks bunny or other disgusting creature. This post isn’t going to turn into a drawn-out rant about Jody’s whores, I don’t have the time or energy for that full-blown discussion. Besides, the Service Girls and I already tackled this issue a number of times.

But watching Jarhead did remind me of all the bullshit that went on during Clark’s deployment. He and I never had issues while he was gone (once he got home was a different story…but that isn’t the point right now.) but I did field many questions from other guys in his platoon regarding the faithfulness of their significant other. It’s a very uncomfortable position to have to confirm to a guy in a warzone that yes, his wife/gf/etc is indeed cheating on him.

The scenes involving the Jody’s whores sparked a discussion between Kalohe and myself. There is one scene where the main characters are looking at the Wall of Shame where all the cheating wives/girlfriends’s pictures are displayed. I made a comment about the whole situation being fucked up. Kalohe then commented, “Well, that’s just how it is.”

I said nothing but I’m sure my body tensed up with all the things i wasn’t saying. Kalohe then added, “well, to some extent I guess.”

Me: “Yeah, to some extent that’s how things are. But it’s not a majority.”
Kalohe: Girl, that’s the way of the world. Females back home cheat.
Me: You might wanna rephrase that. Not all girls back home cheat. Some do, and unfortunately they make the rest of us look bad.
Kalohe: Yeah well a lot of them do. And even if they aren’t, that’s all the guy is gonna think about.
me: That’s his choice, of course. But there are doubts on both sides, that’s part of every relationship.
Kalohe: But it’s worse for the guy. He’s a warzone and he’s got people telling him that his girl is cheating.
Me: Kalohe, you’re trying to tell me that it’s the girl’s fault that people tell her soldier (or marine as this case happened to be) that she is cheating…whether she is or not? That doesn’t even make sense. It’s not easy for either person. But it’s still up to the individual to decide whether to believe the rumors or to believe their significant other.
Kalohe: See that’s why you can’t have a wife or girlfriend if you’re going to be in the military.
Me: WHAT?? Of course you can. It’s tough, yes…but no relationship is easy. But yes, you can have a relationship…and they can even last through a deployment.
Kalohe: No you can’t Audrey, it’s too hard. The guy has enough to worry about without spending all his time worrying about what’s going on back home.
Me: Don’t try to tell me it’s too hard. I know how hard it is. But don’t tell me it can’t work. It can and it does. And for those guys who have a committed relationship, their deployment is actually easier to deal with because they know that they have support from home.
Kalohe: Audrey, I know you were faithful and I know that you experience is where this is coming from; but it’s too hard.
Me: Kalohe, yes, I was faithful. So were most of the girls I knew…we waited and supported and lived through our own hell. But in the end, it’s worth it. That’s what matters most. Nothing is perfect, and no relationship is without it’s problems or doubts…but you have to be willing to work through it and have faith…tempered with reality but faith all the same.
Kalohe: I know that I couldn’t have a girlfriend or wife if I was in the military…it wouldn’t work. I couldn’t live with the doubt.
Me: That is your choice. But it’s not always as bad as the movies portray it.

We pretty much got silent after that…the whole thing fucked with my head. Kalohe has been talking a lot lately about joining the military. But my spin out was only partially about him…it was so much deeper than that. So many events flashed through my mind…things I hadn’t thought about in years…the whores in Clark’s unit…the gossip of the FRG…putting my hand into a brick wall…phone calls from half a world away asking for confirmation or denial regarding both parties…oy…it was a long night.

Thanks TG for listening…I had quite a bit of venting to do. It breaks my heart that Kalohe has had such negative experiences in the past…he’s never not had his trust broken…that’s what happens when you pick up gutter rats. He’s slowly learning that we aren’t all like that. Man, do I know how to pick them or what??

I can be an intense person as most of you know; but generally, I am easy-going and pretty laid back. I don’t let the little things get to me and I’m not particularly good at holding grudges. In fact, you can count the people I actually hate on one hand with fingers to spare. There are, however, a few things one should steer clear from unless the intention is to evoke my wrath. These items are (in no particular order, of course):

1. Never underestimate me or what I am capable of doing. Never assume that I am naive. My silence rarely indicates ignorance.
2. Do not lie about me and assume that I won’t find out…I always do…
3. Do not put words in my mouth nor attribute attitudes to me that I don’t hold. I have plenty of my own and no compunction about sharing them
4. Do not make me pay for someone else’s mistakes. We all have baggage…but I am not responsible for yours
5. DO NOT confuse my forgiveness for weakness. I choose to forgive you because I love you; not because I don’t know what you’ve done or continue to do.

I know there will be questions, there always are, and I love that ya’ll actually love me enough to wonder. Yes this post was provoked, but please don’t think for a second that I have added anyone to the hate list. I am upset and I am hurt and while this will pass…I am far too tough to let it get me down for long; I do currently feel as though someone cut the cord on my parachute after I jumped out of the plane…though perhaps it’s what I needed to ensure that I don’t even contemplate what I shouldn’t.

MOH reminded me the other day that we don’t ever want to be those people who are afraid to live life without a Plan B securely in place. I have never been that girl, and I am not about to start now. So, if a cut parachute is what it takes…then it’s a small price to pay.

A good friend told me not too long ago: “Maya Angelou said, When someone shows you who they are…believe them.” She was talking about him but she was also talking about you.

You showed me time and time again who you are…I refused to believe. I know you. In many ways I know you better than you know yourself…I always have…in some ways you know me better than I do.

I tried everything I could think of to keep the beasts away. I sacrificed; I worked; I pleaded. I did everything you asked and many things you couldn’t bring yourself to voice. You never needed to because I already understood.

You lost sight of me somewhere along the way…I never left your side but somehow I drifted into the blind spot in your soul. We got lost in the maze…the reasons are immaterial.

You said you had lost faith; I told you that I had enough faith for both of us. You said you were lost; I told you I would find you the way you had found me. You said that we had forever; I said I would wait.

For two years you have circled in close, only to run at the first sight of me. So, for two years, we have played shadow games…neither one of us able to get too close. You said you were afraid to hurt. I said I already knew the pain of loss.

The last time, I told you not to come back unless you could stay. I said that the carousel had to come to a halt. You had to either stay for the duration of the ride or you had to walk away. I let the decision be yours…you said it had to be. I agreed with you, as long as you understood that you couldn’t have both.

You say you want a love for the centuries…you had one. You say you want someone who resides in your soul…you found her. You asked if this love could last. I told you that love this deep doesn’t fade; sometimes it has to change, but it never disappears.

You ask me to show you who I am…I have…I always have. Maybe now you’ll believe me.

“when ain’t nothin’ goin’ right,
love will be your soldier.
when all you can do is cry,
love will be your soldier.
when no one’s around,
love will be your soldier.
when your world is tumbling down,
love will be your soldier.” ~Nikka Costa (of course)
**Despite what you read below, I will survive, I know that**

Ok, so my post is late today…in fact today has turned into tonight…but it has taken me this long order my thoughts in any meaningful way. Today has been nonstop craziness. There was work…it was alright, oh, FG is speaking to me again, and at least there was nothing that taxed my brain too terribly.

Then as I was headed back from lunch with mamacita and ogre, G called. Her mom is in the hospital back home in Canada. Everything is alright, they’re just keeping her for observation, she should be home in the next couple days.

As I was hanging up from that call, Jean beeped through. Some days, mass transit sucks…today was one of those days. So, I drove Jean’s history final over to school for her. As I searched for the office, I loudly proclaimed to anyone withing earshot that buildings shouldn’t be art, they should be functional!! I’m sure I had Frank Lloyd Wright rolling in his grave, as I know I received distain from several people around…none of whom had offered me directions as I was obviously lost!! (I actually do appreciate good architecture but not when it precludes me from finding the office I need)

In between all of the chaos, it was never far from my mind that I haven’t talked to Clark since Tuesday afternoon, and tomorrow is the hearing. Both of our lives could change drastically in the next 24 hours and I may not even know about it until much after the fact.

It scares the hell out of me. It truly does; and I have been sick to my stomach all day. Well, actually it started last night, as poor Rie found out as she had to field the stream of questions. (Thanks Rie) As ya’ll know, I worry about Clark…with good reason sometimes…and this is one of those times.

I can’t talk about what I don’t know. Suffice to say that it breaks my heart to watch the people I love suffer. Now believe me, I am very much a fan of justice…as much as I appreciate grace, my first instinct is towards justice. Anyway, it hurts me to see Clark’s past decisions continue to haunt his future…and by association, mine…though I am far less concerned with myself than I am with him.

I am praying to know more soon…if you think of it, say a little prayer for Clark…he’s gonna need it tomorrow.

The preceding image is from Post Secret. It’s not my secret (I mean I didn’t send it in)…but it could be one of mine…

Don’t be scared of your deepest emotions — it’s essential to feel, understand them. It’s time for you to really think hard about what you’re doing with your time. It could be that you’re all for it, but you won’t know if you don’t ask the hard questions and answer honestly.

That’s what my horoscope says I should be doing today. I think I believe it, but some day’s I’m not sure I can handle the answers. I feel like lately, all I’ve done is ask difficult questions or make difficult decisions. It’s not the everyday, run-of-the-mill-this-is-part-of-being-an-adult type stuff either…it’s much deeper than that. Ah well, c’est la vie.

When I got into the car this morning I pushed shuffle on the stereo…the disc of choice was Results May Vary and the first song to come on was “Down Another Day”…it played twice, on its own I might add, on my 9 minute drive to work. So here, decide for yourselves if there is any relevence…

The end is near my summer days
All great things go away
Feel the cold comin’ round the bend
Everything’s going to change again.
down another day, down another day.

Oh, the winter I adore
Summers gone forever more
Someday she’ll come back to me
Seasons change set me free
down another day, down another day.

Don’t have to bore you with details (I’ll never let you down)
and in the morning, the sunrise (will never let you down)
If I could hold you tomorrow (I’lll never let you down)
and when she’s golden, the ocean (will never let you down)

The end is near, my winter fling
Change is melting everything
Now it’s time to sink below
Season come, season go
down another day, down another day.

Don’t have to bore you with details (I’ll never let you down)
and in the morning, the sunrise (will never let you down)
If I could hold you tomorrow (I’lll never let you down) and
When she’s golden, the ocean (will never let you down)

I keep saying goodbye, saying goodbye,
keep saying goodbye
she’s always coming back.
She keeps coming back. She keeps coming back.
I keep saying goodbye, saying goodbye,
keep saying goodbye
she’s always coming back.
She keeps coming back.
You keep coming back.

Don’t have to bore you with details (I’ll never let you down)
and In the morning, the sun rise (will never let you down)
If I could hold you tomorrow (I’lll never let you down) and
When she’s golden, the ocean (will never let you down)
down another day, down another day (will never let you down)
down another day, down another day

Tomorrow is Clark’s birthday, and I am hoping that with the now six birthdays that will have passed between us, we will finally spend one together…it’s only taken us three years to get it right…maybe.

I wrote about Clark yesterday and I talked to him today. I’m not yet ready to delve into all the complexities that comprise our relationship, but I’ve decided to share something Joan said to me this afternoon. She said:

I think that you two are supposed to be together. I’ve thought that all along. I think he has known it too, but was too scared or scarred to admit it to himself. Where this kind of love is concerned, it never comes easy. You have to fight for it and if you’re willing, you will eventually get there. But most people won’t fight for it.“If you love someone, really love them, but there is trial after trial after trial. When do you get to the point where you say enough is enough, cut your losses and walk away?”