Musings of an Empress

So I stole this idea from <a href=”http://sios.mu.nu/”>Miss Joan</a> it just took me a little longer to get mine written.

1. I’m an Aries/Taurus Cusp kid. I was born directly in the center of the “Week of Power” which should explain a lot.
2.  I used to speak fluent Spanish…I even dream in Spanish when I’m really tired. While I was in college I taught myself Latin.  I also read and comprehend French.
3. I lived in
   N. Hollywood for a while. The city sucked…the apartment rocked. You can see it in Fast and the Furious.
4. I used to be head of PR for an independent clothing company…we had a huge celebrity following but the start-up capital wasn’t there and the company folded despite its popularity.
5. I used to live in
   Mexico every summer…if I could move back there for good I would do it in a heart beat.
6. My scariest moment happened before my senior year in high school. I was almost kidnapped in
   Mexico. I was dragged two blocks and down some stairwell before anyone got to me.  If one of my friends hadn’t been there…I wouldn’t be here now. To this day I will not willingly set foot in
   Tijuana.
7.  I like a man who knows how to use his hands; in fact, hands are one of the first physical features I notice on a man.
8. My favorite place to watch a sunset is the Ferry Landing in
   Coronado
9. My favorite artist is Shano; my favorite poets are Viggo Mortensen and Henry Rollins
10. I was born a firstborn…but after my parents adopted or took in other kids, I am now a third born….I’m still not used to being bossed around.
11. It’s been three years, but when I tell time my brain still automatically calculates the time in
    Iraq.
12. I see other people’s dreams all the time. Sometimes more vividly than they see it themselves…it used to scare me.
13. I dream walk…I have since I was 5 years old. It gets kinda crowded in my head sometimes.
14. There are three people I feel to the core of my being at all times.
15. If given the opportunity, I would trade my opposite soul for what’s behind door #2.
16. I wasn’t always an insomniac. It started when
    Clark went overseas…only recently has my body readjusted from Operation Iraqi Freedom time.
17. Other girls intimidate me sometimes. Guys make more sense to me.
18. I am irrationally terrified of lawn gnomes. I really do freak out if I see one unexpectedly. I’m also afraid of green parrots…I don’t like birds, but it’s mostly green parrots that scare me.
19. The first concert I ever went to was the Moody Blues when I was three.
20. I am a recovered anorexic purger. I don’t ever get on scales. If required to, I face backwards and close my eyes…just in case.
21.  I have colored my hair since I was 11…I don’t actually know what my “natural” hair color would be now.
22. I was a competitive cheerleader when I was a kid. Then, I coached cheer in college. I was also in colorguard in high school. (I know MOH is cringing to read this)
23. I was a ballet dancer for 12 years. I passed all my examinations through the Royal Academy of Ballet,
    London.  That means I fall gracefully.
24. I quit dancing to ride horses competitively.  I own two horses but I haven’t ridden since high school.
25. I have broken all of my toes except my big toes. (Some more than once). I’ve also broken three ribs, my tailbone and my elbow….only a few of these happened because of my clumsiness.
26. Read the rest of this entry »

The confusion inside of me seems unsurmountable right now. I don’t know…I feel like I’m back on that carousel like before. No, it doesn’t have anything to do with Clark. I’m just at a low point and things I thought I knew have ceased to exist in their proper form. What I need right now is some clarity…maybe someday.

The dread is growing…it’s stronger than it’s been in a long time. We are all feeling it. What the it is remains to be seen. Neither G nor Adrian have any idea of what is coming, though they’ve both been warned to be very careful the next few days.  

G had a horrific call a few days ago, but that obviously wasn’t the it we are waiting out. I have yet to be able to calm the chills that are coursing through my body. My stomach and spine are still in knots and I can barely concentrate on work. There isn’t enough to keep my mind focused on anything other that the unknown. It’s getting stronger…  My sleep has been very disturbed again. Last night I saw blood on the moon…though there wasn’t any when I looked out the window.  I am terrified that being near me will end up causing Adrian pain. I can’t lose him… Usually, if I’m worried about something in regards to
Adrian, it has more to do with the fact that I can be very intense and it tends to scare people who either don’t know me or at least don’t know how to handle me. When I’m in a relationship, I’m very focused and my energy can be overwhelming. I’m always thinking of little ways (or sometimes big ways) to show the man I’m with how much I care about him. Adrian has told me that it takes some getting used to…that he’s never had another girl be so considerate of his needs, wants, feelings. If he says he wants something, I do everything in my power to make it happen…especially if it’s something he mentions in passing and doesn’t expect me to remember.  

See,  I don’t even think about being in a relationship until I can give a lot of myself…otherwise I run the risk of burning myself out because that person will still get the same amount of my energy. Right now, I am not burning out; but that is at the expense of many friendships…that and Adrian may not know what to do with my intensity…but he doesn’t run from it either.  

But today, my fear is more worry and it’s actually for him. Not just esoterically, but actually, physically, bodily. If it’s emotional…it will still be felt physically. There have been several times when I have worried about him and with good reason each time. This time, I was scared to let go of him. I clung to him longer than normal this morning. I think that’s how he knew I was serious when I told him about what I sensed. It’s taking everything in me not to call him every hour to check on him. But, until I know more it won’t do any good to hover.

Just wish I had some idea…and it would be great if the moon would stop bleeding on my dreams…

Much has changed in the last several months. I am still in the same cities; but little else in my life is the same. I am now fully involved in the ORISE job and I can finally share some of it with ya’ll.  

I am now a contractor with the Governor’s Office of Homeland Security. I am on a couple task forces, but the majority of the next year will be spent as the personal assistant of the lead planner. I am excited and overwhelmed with all that is going on.  

I am younger than ever other person in this office by at least ten years…it’s more than a little intimidating some days. The only thing that keeps me going back is the knowledge that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. MOH and I know that none of this has happened by accident and we are going to need every piece that has been put into play. 

I work 10-14 hours days five to six days a week. I have little time for anyone or anything not work related, and it sucks. But, this is the path that I’m on and I choose my choice. I really appreciate those of you who has stuck around anyway. My close friends have all been very supportive of the fact that I have nothing to give to anyone right now.  

Believe me, I miss all of you; but I am doing all I can to survive right now. My schedule doesn’t open up until the middle of February.  It’s a daunting thought for me too…but it’s what I have to work with right now.  

On a slightly happier note, Adrian (cute boy) and I are doing well. We don’t see each other nearly as much as either of us would like; but I hear that’s just part of being a grown-up. We have had our ups and downs and each time we’ve come out stronger as a pair. It’s something I am still getting used to. I’m still learning how to be in a grown-up relationship and it’s taking some work.  

MOH and Grace get on my case when I say that one of these days,
Adrian is going to wake up and realize that he is way out of my league. I’m not just being self-deprecating…he really is that fantastic. See, I’ve dated some wonderful men…they had their demons, but who among us doesn’t? But with all of them, I was the better person in the relationship. I’m not trying to be conceited…think back with me…Ya’ll have heard the horror stories about the destruction of Clark and me. We all know that Kolohe was not a healthy situation…there was Daniel…basically, I have a pattern.  

I pick men with (and I hate this word) potential. But I don’t pick men who have become. I always find them in the transition. I’m good at picking up pieces…it’s what I do. And it usually ends in me getting hurt…though I am pretty guarded in choosing who is allowed into my heart in the first place. 

Then along came
Adrian. He is a bona-fide grown-up. He is (as my dad says) child-like without being childish. It’s what I’ve always wanted. And it came in a package I would have never suspected. See, for those of you who know me in any other plane, you know what I usually pick up off the shelf.
Adrian isn’t any of those things, and it turns out he’s exactly what I’ve needed all along. 

He makes me laugh. He lets me cry. He believes I am strong enough and smart enough to do anything I put my mind to…but he’s never expected me to be perfect. He apologizes when he’s wrong and it’s rarely a fight to get there. He makes me act like a grown-up when it comes to the important things; but he lets me be silly too.  We’ve had some rough ground to cover, and we’ve picked up our share of baggage from each other’s past; but it’s made us stronger.  

There are days when I don’t know how all the pieces will fit…there are so many differences in our worlds. Our backgrounds are like night and day; and it’s not been an easy road…it’s been more like a mountain climb without Sherpas. That’s not news to anyone, least of all me. The difference this time, is that
Adrian is in this with me…I’m used to fighting battles alone. 

In the rest of my person relationships, I have become the invisible friend. I have pulled back completely from acquaintances and those who demand of me without giving back. I don’t have the energy or even the desire to keep those relationships up. Maybe that’s cold and callous…I don’t know. But I know that for the first time in my life, I’m putting myself first in some areas just to survive. And you know, I’m actually sleeping most nights.  Don’t misunderstand me, there are several people I love dearly and hate that I haven’t been in contact with them; something I hope to rectify after the first of the year.  

For the time being, I am working non-stop and traveling several days a week for work. Someday I will emerge…hopefully intact. I know that most of you will still be there cheering me on, and for that I am eternally grateful…more than I could ever express.  

Je vous aime tout.

…When I look into your eyes
I can see how life has savaged you
It’s ok if you fall
I will be there to catch you
Anyone who would want to hurt you
Would have to go through me to do it
I will never be able to pound words into lines
To match the velocity of your presence
(the emphasis is my own, but these amazingly accurate and apropos words belong to none other than the great Rollins)

I have spent several evenings this week with Dean and last night as we sat talking, the last lines of that poem echoed throughout my brain. “I will never be able to pound words into lines to match the velocity of your presence”. I do realize that it must frequently sound as though I’m waxing poetic like some lovestruck teenager (which I haven’t been for quite some time now) and never have I been like that when it comes to Dean.

I’ve written before about my belief in wisdom of the ancients — wisdom of lives you haven’t lived. Well, Dean is ancient. If you look up old soul in the dictionary, his picture will be next to it. To say that he is “wise beyond his years” doesn’t even scratch the surface. As Grace discovered when she met him last week: (direct quote) “I know you always say that you don’t have adequate words to describe him, but I can say now that your words come as close as any ever will. Dean really is all that you say and yet there is so much more depth than words can capture. It’s no wonder you love him so deeply and were so devastated to lose him.”

It has occurred to me in the last few days that part of my downfall in relationships…even friendships…is that in the five years we had no contact I went around trying everything I could think of to fill the void in my soul. The problem is, nothing except Dean can fill a Dean-sized hole. It wasn’t until he came back that I was able to recognize my own behavior. I do realize that had I asked, there are a few of you who could have told me that all along. I suppose I just had to learn the hard way.

Since I returned from Tennessee I have felt myself withdrawing more and more from those around me…not in an “I want to be a hermit and live in a cave” kind of way…more like an “I don’t have time for people who are half-way into my life” kind of way. I am incredibly intense when it comes to my interpersonal relationships and I think that can be a lot for most people to handle. MOH was right, I don’t have a lot of uses for accquaintances. Either you are in and like family or you’re out.

Perhaps I am subconsciously severing ties so that if I move there isn’t as much to be done here. Perhaps I am simply acting out. Maybe I’m feeding off the energy of others. Maybe it’s a phase I’m going through. I don’t know why I am distancing mysef from others…all I know is that, right or wrong, I don’t feel bad about it. I feel as though it’s the most natural thing to do at this moment in my life.

Another good piece of advice I received, told me that in order to make a fair decision regarding which coast of the country I should reside I needed to compile some data. While I will leave the wildlife samples to those more qualified than I; there is one thing I can do: Partake in all of my favorite activities here while all the fun things there are still fresh in my mind.

In an effort to conduct this experiment, G, Grace and I will be embarking upon a roadtrip tomorrow night. We are going to spend Friday in beautiful and sunny San Diego. G and I will be driving home again on Saturday, but I don’t mind if it means seeing my city for just a few hours. It kills me that the last time I was in San Diego I wasn’t even allowed off the plane…I watched the city through the thick and smudged windows of the plane. This time I will sit on the Ferry Landing and watch the sun set over my skyline. I can feel the ocean already.

I am in such a good mood and my spirit it so very light today. I was up until 6:30 this morning sitting in my living room catching up with Dean who was one of my best friends from high school and whom I hadn’t seen since before I moved to San Diego…until last night.

As I’ve said before, Dean and I were inseparable my sophomore year (his senior) he was my confidante, my protector, and the person who probably knew me best…he’s always had a way of looking past the surface of me and straight into my soul….and vice versa. We were each other’s 3 am phone call when things got rough…we’ve been through a lot together.

He’s always had his demons…basically if it was trouble, he was in the middle of it. But he’s always had an amazing heart and while he’s one of the toughest men I’ve ever met, he is also the gentlest.

Anyway, some stuff went down a couple months before he was to graduate and because he was already 18 the school kicked him out…I was devastated. I felt so lost…anyway, he drifted around for a while and eventually we lost touch…if ever one of us desperately need the other, we would always somehow find the other person.

Until recently, the last time I talked to him I was living in San Diego…he got ahold of my number somehow…neither of us is sure how…but he called me while I was sitting on the beach trying to hold my life together as all the pieces were spinning out of control. Dean knew, long before I told him, exactly what was going on with me.

Then, he was gone again…until about a week before I went to TN. We started talking but life kept intervening so that we didn’t have a chance to actually sit down together until last night. Dean and I talked from 9:30pm until 6 this morning. We would have talked longer if my roomates hadn’t been getting up to get ready for work already.

It was one of the best nights I can remember. We just picked back up as though nothing had changed between us though we are both far different people now. From the moment I saw him, I felt lighter, more at peace, I felt as though the pieces made sense again.

I’ve not found any man with whom I feel as safe as I am with Dean. No one else has ever made me feel quite so cared about or understood…not even Clark. As close as Clark adn I were emotionally, spiritually and mentally it was never as unclouded as it was with Dean.

Dean and I were never anything other than friends…though much of our high school would have begged to differ. But I am so thankful that I have him in my life again, even if he’s only passing through. As long as Dean and his quiet spirit walk this earth I know that all things are possible.

As Holden would say: “The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.” Gotta love Jay and Silent Bob. Moving on, anyway, the last couple of weeks the internet has brought back into my life, several people that I had lost contact with.

The most recent, as in a few minutes ago, was my friend, Dean. I know I don’t mention him much; but really it’s because until now it was a painful subject. When he disappeared from my life (and everyone else’s for that matter) it broke my heart. It’s been four years since I talked to him last…until today.

First there was the requisite “OMG!! I haven’t heard from you in forever” email. And then my phone rang. I didn’t recognize the number, so I assumed it would be Dean. From the first “Hey” I heard, I felt like I was home. I knew right then and there that whatever happens next is immaterial…I know that everything will be ok. Just hearing his voice has always made me feel that way.

He was my protector, my security, my sounding board and my confidante. Many of the good qualities I possess today are because of him. He pushed me to be the best person I can be. He taught me about compassion and quiet strength…and he taught me to love without judgement.

When Dean disappeared from my life, it was as if the sky opened up and rain poured out onto my soul…today the clouds opened again only this time they revealed sun. This kind of light is exactly what the circle has needed for quite some time. There will be much more darkness in our future…but I no longer worry about it. I have my faith renewed…my prodigal friend has come home and finally the pieces will fit into place.

Yesterday was my other half’s birthday. I had every intention of posting this on time…early even; but life being the ever unpredictable creature that it is, took precedence. I didn’t, however, want her day to go unnoticed. So, I’ma take just a minute now to tell ya’ll about a fantastic woman who is my other half.

We haven’t known each other for our whole lives, and we aren’t what you would traditionally call best friends; but we are the other half of one another. To explain who we are, think about a coin…she is one side and I am the other. We are different in alomost every way imaginable. You could never mistake one of us for the other (well unless you got caught in the cross-fire of our minds) but neither could you mistake us as completely separate entities. From either side, you see a complete person but to see that person’s entirety of being, you have to see both sides.

She is so many things that I am not. When I’m scared, she’s brave. When I’m confused, she is absolutely certain. If I’m lost, she has several paths for me to choose from. We are truly complimentary. She resides in darkness, I reside in light. When she loses hope, I have steadfast faith. Whatever pain, sickness or exhaustion exists is shared. So too are the happy times.

We are also brutally honest with one another in a way that few know or understand. I know that whatever happens, MOH is on my team…more than that, she doesn’t stand behind me, she stands next to me. I don’t need words for her to understand me and vice versa. There is no one I would rather walk with through life’s twists and turns.

MOH, may this year be just the beginning of a fabulous decade. It’s finally you time to shine…I have every confidence that this is the start of great things. I love you.

I have been blessed
And I feel like I’ve found my way
I thank God for all I’ve been given
At the end of every day
I have been blessed
With so much more than I deserve

To be here with the ones
That love me
To love them so much it hurts
I have been blessed

I am truly at a loss for words over the outpouring of love and support I have received since I posted about my grandfather. I deeply appreciate each and every one of you.

Last night i recieved a phone call that wasn’t as unexpected as it should have been. It was someone very dear to me, calling to explain that since we both believe in the concept of “pay it forward” I needed to listen to her and not argue. Long story short, the biggest obstacle facing me in getting to Tennessee is which days I want to take off from work.

I know it’s very important to my grandfather that I see his house while he’s still in it; so right now I am thinking about taking a week at the end of April to go see he and my g-ma. I am not allowed to say thank you or make a big deal about this gesture. But, the truth is, I am blessed beyond all reason and explanation by the friends I have in my life. I love you all and don’t know where I would be without you.

I will keep ya’ll updated on the entrire situation. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. And thanks for lettin’ me pay it forward too.

L&L to MOH.

This song fits perfectly.
It’s time to give it a chance…face the fears…embrace the possiblity…see what it’s really supposed to look like. We’ve never let the other down…now is not the beginning of the end. But rather the last beginning we’ll have to make until the end. Neither of us walks alone. We aren’t the only ones who believe either. Everyone who shares the space has faith in us…that is enough incentive for me.

Come take my hand
You should know me
I’ve always been in your mind
You know that I’ll be kind
I’ll be guiding youBuilding your dream
Has to start now
There’s no other road to take
You won’t make a mistake
I’ll be guiding you

You have to believe we are magic
Nothin’ can stand in our way
You have to believe we are magic
Don’t let your aim ever stray
And if all your hopes survive
Your destiny will arrive
I’ll bring all your dreams alive
For you

From where I stand
You are home free
The planets align so rare
There’s promise in the air
And I’m guiding you

Through every turn
I’ll be near you
I’ll come anytime you call
I’ll catch you when you fall
I’ll be guiding you

You have to believe we are magic
Nothin’ can stand in our way
You have to believe we are magic
Don’t let your aim ever stray
And if all your hopes survive
Your destiny will arrive
I’ll bring all your dreams alive
For you

Bonus points for anyone who knows this song, who sings it and where it came from without googling it. Any takers??