Musings of an Empress

So I stole this idea from <a href=”http://sios.mu.nu/”>Miss Joan</a> it just took me a little longer to get mine written.

1. I’m an Aries/Taurus Cusp kid. I was born directly in the center of the “Week of Power” which should explain a lot.
2.  I used to speak fluent Spanish…I even dream in Spanish when I’m really tired. While I was in college I taught myself Latin.  I also read and comprehend French.
3. I lived in
   N. Hollywood for a while. The city sucked…the apartment rocked. You can see it in Fast and the Furious.
4. I used to be head of PR for an independent clothing company…we had a huge celebrity following but the start-up capital wasn’t there and the company folded despite its popularity.
5. I used to live in
   Mexico every summer…if I could move back there for good I would do it in a heart beat.
6. My scariest moment happened before my senior year in high school. I was almost kidnapped in
   Mexico. I was dragged two blocks and down some stairwell before anyone got to me.  If one of my friends hadn’t been there…I wouldn’t be here now. To this day I will not willingly set foot in
   Tijuana.
7.  I like a man who knows how to use his hands; in fact, hands are one of the first physical features I notice on a man.
8. My favorite place to watch a sunset is the Ferry Landing in
   Coronado
9. My favorite artist is Shano; my favorite poets are Viggo Mortensen and Henry Rollins
10. I was born a firstborn…but after my parents adopted or took in other kids, I am now a third born….I’m still not used to being bossed around.
11. It’s been three years, but when I tell time my brain still automatically calculates the time in
    Iraq.
12. I see other people’s dreams all the time. Sometimes more vividly than they see it themselves…it used to scare me.
13. I dream walk…I have since I was 5 years old. It gets kinda crowded in my head sometimes.
14. There are three people I feel to the core of my being at all times.
15. If given the opportunity, I would trade my opposite soul for what’s behind door #2.
16. I wasn’t always an insomniac. It started when
    Clark went overseas…only recently has my body readjusted from Operation Iraqi Freedom time.
17. Other girls intimidate me sometimes. Guys make more sense to me.
18. I am irrationally terrified of lawn gnomes. I really do freak out if I see one unexpectedly. I’m also afraid of green parrots…I don’t like birds, but it’s mostly green parrots that scare me.
19. The first concert I ever went to was the Moody Blues when I was three.
20. I am a recovered anorexic purger. I don’t ever get on scales. If required to, I face backwards and close my eyes…just in case.
21.  I have colored my hair since I was 11…I don’t actually know what my “natural” hair color would be now.
22. I was a competitive cheerleader when I was a kid. Then, I coached cheer in college. I was also in colorguard in high school. (I know MOH is cringing to read this)
23. I was a ballet dancer for 12 years. I passed all my examinations through the Royal Academy of Ballet,
    London.  That means I fall gracefully.
24. I quit dancing to ride horses competitively.  I own two horses but I haven’t ridden since high school.
25. I have broken all of my toes except my big toes. (Some more than once). I’ve also broken three ribs, my tailbone and my elbow….only a few of these happened because of my clumsiness.
26. Read the rest of this entry »

Happy New Year!!

I don’t believe in resolutions; I figure, if there is something that I want to change about myself then I should just change it. There is no reason to wait around for a new year to start. However, I do have a couple wishes for the new year.

1. It is my hope that each and everyone of you has a year of peace, joy and friendship.
2. I wish for MOH and I to grasp all the happiness and love there is to be gained from this world. It’s our turn to shine, MOH.
3. I want to see the beauty in the little things this year, even with thr stress of everyday life.

I don’t think I’m asking or expecting too much from this next year…only what I know is very possible. I enjoyed the second half of 2006 and I’ve decided that I’m looking forward to the start of 2007.

Love and light to all of you.

My darling Rie tagged me, so here it is.

I AM: a good friend. very articulate. stronger than I think. more stubborn than I should be.
I WANT: a job that pays all my bills in the same month. true love. kids.
I WISH: for love, happiness and good health….for everyone in my life.
I HATE: mornings. slow drivers. hypocrites. pretention.
I MISS: having breakfast with g-ma every morning. the ocean. waking up next to someone. Santanas.
I FEAR: lawn gnomes, green parrots, suffocation, losing people I love.
I HEAR: copier. Shaggy singing Angel. typing.
I WONDER: where I will be in five years.
I REGRET: nothing. I live my life without regret. I’ve made some bad choices in my life, but they have shaped who I am.
I AM NOT: as intelligent as my father. patient. insincere. currently in love.
I DANCE: to all kinds of music in my own home…sometimes it’s just to cheer up my roomates.
I SING: all the time. to whatever is on. everywhere except the dinner table.
I CRY: when I am frustrated. when I’m lonely. when pictures of him with his daughter catch me off guard
I AM NOT ALWAYS: brave. as kind as I should be. as happy as I appear
I MAKE: people laugh. really good brownies. big mistakes. promises that I keep.
I WRITE: my feelings. advice I wish had been given to me.
I CONFUSE: myself. sometimes others.
I NEED: love. laughter. music. a strong man. to keep learning.
I HAVE: too many pairs of flip flops. a big heart. amazing friends. MOH.
I LOVE: sunsets over the ocean. driving fast. hearing men speak hawaiian. my family and friends. him, I always will.
I SHOULD: lose 15 pounds. work out more. shop less. tell the people I care about “I love you” more than I do.
I TAG: I don’t usually tag people, but I would love to see what ya’ll have to say. I want to see everyone’s so to get the ball rolling, I tag: Amelie, Chrissy, Judy, Bette and Crazy Bastard

I am finally back at work after an eventful morning. The swearing-in ceremony went well (even if it did run a tad long) I’m excited to see what new things this chief will implement and how he plans to clean up the former chief’s mess.

Why do we despise the former chief (aka Satan) so much? Well, there are a variety of reasons; one of the most prominent being that he attempted to impune my Dad and JD’s integrity. You can say many things about both of those men, but their integrity is not something wither of them have ever taken lightly.

I’ve written before about all the drama JD has had with the chief in regards to promotions/union activities and the like. As a side-note, JD’s case goes to trial next month. Should be a good ruling, but we’ll have to wait and see for sure.

I haven’t talked much about my Dad’s involvement. My dad is a quiet and determined man. He has a gentle spirit, but don’t even make the mistake of viewing his quietness as weakness. My dad is about as tough as they come. He has great leadershp ability (though he would disagree) and people not only trust him, but they follow him. I could make a good size list of firefighters he has mentored in his 30 years with this department. JD is just one of them.

My dad has been active on the union and negotiations boards for as long as I can remember. He was and is a good dad; but his work has always not only followed him home but ingrained itself into everyday life. Until very recently, he has lived and breathed two things: the fire department and his family. He has sacrificed of himself for years to take care of the firefighters as a group and in turn the safetyof this community.

So, all that said, someone coming through and claiming my father to be underhanded and a liar didn’t sit well with me, nor other members of the department. Add to that the shady hiring and promoting practices of Satan and the fact that he deliberately deceived the residents of this town in order to get an initiative passed that diverts money to the fire department the way he wanted not the ways they needed it.

Ok, end rant. It is more than sufficient to say that I am both thrilled and relieved that we officially have the new Chief as of 11:35am. (Not that I was keeping track or anything.) Gonna go do a happy dance after work to celebrate. It’s my night…starting tomorrow I am the designated driver for several firefighters whose celebrations will most likely last through the weekend.

I have decided that this year is the year to shed all of the remaining “illusions” in favor of allowing the world to see more of the real me. I’m tired of the games, the politics, and the smokescreens.

You’ll rescue me, right? in the exact same way they never did.
I’ll be happy, right? When your healing powers kick in

You’ll complete me, right? Then my life can finally begin.
I’ll be worthy, right? Only when you realize the gem I am?

But this won’t work now the way it once did
and I won’t keep it up even though I would love to
once I know who I’m not then I’ll know who I am
but I know I won’t keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
when I was defenseless
and parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

This ring will help me yet,
as will you knight in shining armor
This pill will help me yet
as will these boys gone through like water

But this won’t work as well as the way it once did
cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
and though I know who I’m not I still don’t know who I am
but I know I won’t keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head
did not let me down when I was a kid
and parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

I’ve spent so long firmly looking outside me
I’ve spent so much time living in survival mode

But this won’t work now the way it once did
cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
Though I know who I’m not I still don’t know who I am
but I know I won’t keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
when I was defenseless
and parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
when I was a kid
and parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

I know who I’m not. I know who I am. And I know that I will find my way. I come closer all the time. It would be nice to have a knight by my side, but I’ve learned that I can slay dragons on my own…and if I can’t, I know that I have MOH and my girls with me every step of the way.

It reminds me of the episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte tells the others: “Don’t laugh at me, but maybe we can be each other’s soulmates. And then we could let men just be these great nice guys to have fun with.”

This year is a big one for me, I am learning more about myself, who I am, and who I want to become. No more illusions. And maybe, along the way, there will be one of those great nice guys to have fun with.

Apparently, I’m not as good of an actress as I thought. I’ve been on the down-ward spiral of a manic swing for the last couple weeks. Most people (even those close to me…cept you, MOH, of course) haven’t noticed. It’s more difficult to tell with me than with others. See, my lows look like a balanced person’s normal.

My normal is like a balanced person’s happy and my manic…well it’s a bit overwhleming to some the first time they experience it.

Anyway, I’ve been down for a while and I can’t seem to pull out of it. I do a pretty good job of not letting people see that side of me. It’s not that I want to be two people; rather, I got tired of being labeled melodramatic because my down doesn’t appear to be all that down. I don’t actually get despondant when I’m really low.

Mostly, I just get really quiet. I get a little withdrawn and mainly I just appear subdued. That’s why many people don’t take notice. It’s very easy for me to convince others that I am just tired…or I just don’t have much to say…or any number of answers.

People believe me for a couple reasons.

1. pushing me to “be happy” won’t get you anywhere
2. I don’t seem to be that upset. Maybe I am just tired
3. Finally, people don’t seem to know how to react to me when I’m subdued. I’m not scary, it’s just not what people are used to seeing from me.

Anyway, the point is, I was called out three times in as many days about my emotional/chemical state. Just yesterday, a family friend, whom I dearly love, asked me how I was. I answered that I was good. She looked at me and said, “No you’re not. You’re quiet, really quiet and that means you’re having a tough time.”

I managed a small smile and replied that yes, indeed I was having a down couple of days but I was alright. The friend smiled back and said, “Well Audrey, know that we love you. Period. Regardless, we love you. Just know that.”

It was so simple, so sincere and almost made me cry right then and there. I’m not out of it yet, and this isn’t a plea for public outpourings of “You’ll be ok”. Plattitudes are not what I seek. However, her words meant a lot to me at the moment they were received. I am a bit lighter today.

The sun is out for the second day in a row and I am hopeful that I will feel like myself before this week is up.

“Lose This Life” By Tait

I have been blessed
And I feel like I’ve found my way
I thank God for all I’ve been given
At the end of every day
I have been blessed
With so much more than I deserve

To be here with the ones
That love me
To love them so much it hurts
I have been blessed

I am truly at a loss for words over the outpouring of love and support I have received since I posted about my grandfather. I deeply appreciate each and every one of you.

Last night i recieved a phone call that wasn’t as unexpected as it should have been. It was someone very dear to me, calling to explain that since we both believe in the concept of “pay it forward” I needed to listen to her and not argue. Long story short, the biggest obstacle facing me in getting to Tennessee is which days I want to take off from work.

I know it’s very important to my grandfather that I see his house while he’s still in it; so right now I am thinking about taking a week at the end of April to go see he and my g-ma. I am not allowed to say thank you or make a big deal about this gesture. But, the truth is, I am blessed beyond all reason and explanation by the friends I have in my life. I love you all and don’t know where I would be without you.

I will keep ya’ll updated on the entrire situation. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. And thanks for lettin’ me pay it forward too.

L&L to MOH.