I have to be up in just a few short hours so my stories will have to wait, but I must say, again; Nikka is the damn man.
even as a kid when she was singing at her dad’s concerts…
or just singin her heart out:
tearin’ it up:
or showing some soul…Nikka is one of the greats, in my opinion.
I have a little favor to ask of my fantastic readers. Don’t worry, I don’t need you first born child or even a kidney. This could actually be a lot of fun. My brother-in-law, James called me this morning with a question of the day. I want to know what ya’ll have to say about it. So, here’s the scenario as told to me:
You’re driving across the desert to meet your long lost love in a 1972 De Ville convertible with the wind in your hair; the sun is just cresting over the horizon. You have the music playing loudly and the drive is exhilirating.
So, what are the two songs that you simply must hear on this journey?
I want to see what you guys would listen to. Leave your songs in the comments. I’ll add mine too.
I still can’t sleep tonight. That means ya’ll get to join in my late night ramblings. Tonight they are in music form. I’ve been fighting with my computer for the last two hours…I quit…so to make me feel better, we are now gonna listen to Mike Ness. I love his voice…though to be perfectly honest, he could just stand there and I would be almost as happy.
My sissy, TG played me this song the first night I was with her in Tennessee.Immediately I knew I had found my song...the song that perfectly captures how I feel at this point in my life. Toby is amazing. I've been a fan since the first single came out but this song right here... Every Day ~ Toby Lightman Every day is a struggle Between what I want to say and what I want to keep to myself And the words that manage to leave my lips Don't hurt me, but they hurt everyone else So I find myself in need of a pause I'm not sure why, but I think that it's because Of this desire to be what others want me to be Which is nothing close to me But I'll see better when the smoke clears The smoke clears inside my head And I can listen when the screaming doesn't repeat everything I've said And all that remains me and who I am at the end of the day And this happens every day ... yeah... Every day is a battle Between what I want to know and what I don't want to figure out And everything in between in these thoughts of mine that you know I can't live with out So I find myself in need of a pause I'm not sure why, but I think that it's because Of this desire to be what others want me to be Which is nothing close to me But I'll see better when the smoke clears The smoke clears inside my head And I can listen when the screaming doesn't repeat everything I've said All that remains me and who I am at the end of the day And this happens every day ... yeah... oooh... But I'll see better when the smoke clears The smoke clears inside my head And I can listen when the screaming doesn't repeat everything I've said All that remains me and who I am at the end of the day And this happens every day ... this happens every day This happens every day... yeah...
Ok so I know I haven’t been writing much of anything intensely personal or heartfelt recently. I will get back to that…but for now, here’s what I’ve been listening to…in question form. There is no tag here, though if anyone else wanted to share their own music choices, that would be cool. I might even learn something…Ms. Judy did this one and as a result of her answers I found the artist of a song that I can never seem to remember. (It’s Edie Brickell by the way)
soundtrack - oh, sure, why not?
Body: 1-Put your music player on shuffle.
2-Press forward for each question.
3-Use some of the song lyrics as the answer to the question.
No cheating!
How am I feeling today?:
Everyday - Toby Lightman
Everything is a struggle between what I want to say and what I should keep to myself…I’ll see better when the smoke clears inside my head and I’ll listen when the screaming doesn’t repeat everything I’ve said. All that remains is me and who I am at the end of the day.
Will I get far in life?:
Kerosene - Miranda Lambert
I gave it everything I had and everything I got was bad. Life ain’t hard but it’s too long to live it like a country song
How do my friends see me?:
Bad Day - Daniel Powter
You tell me your blue sky’s faded to gray,
you say your passion’s gone away
and I don’t need no carrying on
Where will I get married?:
Carry on Wayward Son - Kansas
On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about I’m like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune
What is my best friend’s theme song?:
Here is Gone - Goo Goo Dolls
And I want to get free, talk to me
I can feel you fallin’
I know it’s out there, I know it’s out there
And I can feel you fallin’
What is the story of my life?:
Cherish the Day - Sade
i cherish the day
i won’t go astray
i won’t be afraid
you won’t catch me running
What was highschool like?:
Baby Got Back - Sir Mix-a-Lot
Yeah baby
When it comes to females
Cosmo ain’t got nothin to do with my selection
36-24-36, ha ha
Only if she’s 5′3″
So your girlfriend rolls a Honda
Playin workout tapes by Fonda
But Fonda ain’t got a motor in the back of her Honda
My anaconda don’t want none unless you’ve got buns hun
How am I going to get ahead in life?:
I Know Why - Sheryl Crow
Tell me why the road keeps turning
When everything you want is straight ahead
And every thing I thought worth learning
Is forgotten when I see your face instead
What is the best thing about me?:
Pony - Kasey Chambers
When I grow up I wanna pony
When I grow up I wanna baby
When I grow up I wanna cowboy
When I grow up I’ll be a lady
How is today going to be?:
Waste My Time - Blu Cantrell
Why do I waste me time you,(why waste my time)
giving you the loving that you don’t deserve
and if I had the chance to think it through
I probably wouldn’t waste my time on you
What is in store for this weekend?:
High Lonesome - Jedd Hughes
It’s been forever since I’ve seen you
The grass still isn’t any greener
On the other side
Someone told me live and learn
Play with fire and you’ll get burned
And i did, now, I’m payin the price
What song describes my parents?:
Volvo Driving Soccer Mom - Everclear
I think that they moved out to the suburbs
And now they’re blonde, bland, middle-class Republican wives
They’ve got blonde, bland, middle-class Republican children
Blonde, bland, middle-class Republican lives
My grandparents?:
Charmed Life - Mike Ness
And I say, “Even in the worst of times
against all odds,
I seem to have led a charmed life.”
How is my life going?:
The Good Kind - The Wreckers
You forced me to become strong
When I just craved being weak
Yeah,yeah
And you think you know
And I would like to think so…
I’m tired of hiding behind these blind eyes
I’m tired of this smile that even I don’t recognize
What song will play at my funeral?:
Boondocks - Little Big Town
It’s where I learned about livin
It’s where I learned about love
It’s where I learned about workin hard
And havin a little was just enough
It’s where I learned about Jesus
And knowin where I stand
You can take it or leave it
This is me, this is who I am
How does the world see me?:
Never Saw Blue - Hayley Westenra
Some things are the way they are
And words just cant explain…
And it feels like now
And it feels always and it feels like coming home
Will I have a happy life?:
So Blu - Blu Cantrell
Trying to find someone that loves me more than their bling bling
Trying to be a wife
Trying to make a life
Trying to get in touch with my spirtual side
Trying to have your back
Trying to help you stack
Trying to be your strength when you know you lack
Lord, I need a change
Lord, tell me you feel my pain
What do my friends really think of me?:
Spin - Lifehouse
And when the world keeps spinning round
My worlds upside down
and I wouldn’t change a thing
I’ve got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found
you and I wouldn’t change a thing
Do people secretly lust after me?:
Walking Away - Craig David
Sometimes some people get me wrong,
when it’s something I’ve said or done
Sometimes you feel there is no fun,
that’s why you turn and run
But now I truly realize,
some people don’t want to compromise
How can I make myself happy?:
Luxury Liner - Jedd Hughes
If I don’t find my baby now
I guess I never will
I’ve been a long lost soul
For a long, long time
Yeah Ive been around
Everybody ought to know whats on my mind
You think I’m lonesome, so do I
What should I do with my life?:
Let Go - Barlow Girl
Cuz Im about to let go
and live what I believe
I cant do a thing now
But trust that youll catch me
Cuz Im about to let go
and live what I believe
I cant do a thing now
But trust that youll catch me
When I let go
Will I ever have children?:
Stupid Girls - Pink
I’m so glad that I’ll never fit in
That will never be me
Outcasts and girls with ambition
That’s what I wanna see
What is some good advice for me?:
Lot of Leavin’ Left to Do - Dierks Bentley
Girl, you look like you might be an angel,
So I wont lie.
I could love you like the devil if you wanted me to tonight,
And we could talk about forever for a day or two,
But I still got a lot of leavin left to do.
What is my signature dancing song?:
Lose This Life - Tait
Lost, so lost
Somewhere in the dead of night
Drifting like a satellite
Spinnin’ out of control
But love, Your love
Is stronger than gravity
And it’s pullin at the heart of me
And I’m giving in
What do I think my current theme song is?
Black Horse and a Cherry Tree - KT Tunstall
well my heart knows me better than i know myself
so i’m gonna let it do all the talking.
(woo-hoo,woo-hoo)
I came across a place in the middle of nowhere
with a big black horse and a cherry tree.
(woo-hoo,woo-hoo)
What does everyone else think my current theme song is?:
Dust in the Wind - Kansas
Now, don’t hang on;
Nothing lasts forever
But the earth and sky;
It slips away,
And all your money
Won’t another minute buy.
What type of men/women do you like?:
Leave it Inside - Toby Lightman
I see no need to go through the same situation
Always so complicated with these relations so I got to get away
Knowing that my heart will stray
Handling more than I can
Why the same old story again
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“Diamonds And Guns” By Transplants
I love this damn song. Hearing the track just puts me in a better mood. I do realize that the lyrics would conflict with a happy image. But the first time I heard this song was watching Fastlane. We’re talkin Peter Facinelli with guns and fast cars…yeah, it doesn’t get much better than that.
Happy Saturday ya’ll. Hope you had a safe Cinco de Mayo.
For a friend who is struggling right now. Hang in there sweetie. It will get better. Everything will fall into place exactly as it should.
Yeah I trust in you
I remember times you led me
This time it’s bigger now
and I’m afraid you’ll let me down
But how can I be certain?
Will you prove yourself again?
Cuz I’m about to let go
and live what I believe
I can’t do a thing now
But trust that you’ll catch me
When I let go
When I let go
What is this doubt in me?
Convincing me to fear the unknown
When all along you’ve shown
your plans are better than my own
And I know I won’t make it
If I do this all alone
Cuz I’m about to let go
and live what I believe
I can’t do a thing now
But trust that you’ll catch me
When I let go
When I let go
Cuz I’m about to let go
and live what I believe
I can’t do a thing now
But trust that you’ll catch me
Cuz I’m about to let go
and live what I believe
I can’t do a thing now
But trust that you’ll catch me
When I let go
When I let go
When I let go
**the weekend update will follow this evening**
I have decided that this year is the year to shed all of the remaining “illusions” in favor of allowing the world to see more of the real me. I’m tired of the games, the politics, and the smokescreens.
You’ll rescue me, right? in the exact same way they never did.
I’ll be happy, right? When your healing powers kick in
You’ll complete me, right? Then my life can finally begin.
I’ll be worthy, right? Only when you realize the gem I am?
But this won’t work now the way it once did
and I won’t keep it up even though I would love to
once I know who I’m not then I’ll know who I am
but I know I won’t keep on playing the victim
These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
when I was defenseless
and parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends
This ring will help me yet,
as will you knight in shining armor
This pill will help me yet
as will these boys gone through like water
But this won’t work as well as the way it once did
cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
and though I know who I’m not I still don’t know who I am
but I know I won’t keep on playing the victim
These precious illusions in my head
did not let me down when I was a kid
and parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend
I’ve spent so long firmly looking outside me
I’ve spent so much time living in survival mode
But this won’t work now the way it once did
cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
Though I know who I’m not I still don’t know who I am
but I know I won’t keep on playing the victim
These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
when I was defenseless
and parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends
These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
when I was a kid
and parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend
I know who I’m not. I know who I am. And I know that I will find my way. I come closer all the time. It would be nice to have a knight by my side, but I’ve learned that I can slay dragons on my own…and if I can’t, I know that I have MOH and my girls with me every step of the way.
It reminds me of the episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte tells the others: “Don’t laugh at me, but maybe we can be each other’s soulmates. And then we could let men just be these great nice guys to have fun with.”
This year is a big one for me, I am learning more about myself, who I am, and who I want to become. No more illusions. And maybe, along the way, there will be one of those great nice guys to have fun with.
Apparently, I’m not as good of an actress as I thought. I’ve been on the down-ward spiral of a manic swing for the last couple weeks. Most people (even those close to me…cept you, MOH, of course) haven’t noticed. It’s more difficult to tell with me than with others. See, my lows look like a balanced person’s normal.
My normal is like a balanced person’s happy and my manic…well it’s a bit overwhleming to some the first time they experience it.
Anyway, I’ve been down for a while and I can’t seem to pull out of it. I do a pretty good job of not letting people see that side of me. It’s not that I want to be two people; rather, I got tired of being labeled melodramatic because my down doesn’t appear to be all that down. I don’t actually get despondant when I’m really low.
Mostly, I just get really quiet. I get a little withdrawn and mainly I just appear subdued. That’s why many people don’t take notice. It’s very easy for me to convince others that I am just tired…or I just don’t have much to say…or any number of answers.
People believe me for a couple reasons.
Anyway, the point is, I was called out three times in as many days about my emotional/chemical state. Just yesterday, a family friend, whom I dearly love, asked me how I was. I answered that I was good. She looked at me and said, “No you’re not. You’re quiet, really quiet and that means you’re having a tough time.”
I managed a small smile and replied that yes, indeed I was having a down couple of days but I was alright. The friend smiled back and said, “Well Audrey, know that we love you. Period. Regardless, we love you. Just know that.”
It was so simple, so sincere and almost made me cry right then and there. I’m not out of it yet, and this isn’t a plea for public outpourings of “You’ll be ok”. Plattitudes are not what I seek. However, her words meant a lot to me at the moment they were received. I am a bit lighter today.
The sun is out for the second day in a row and I am hopeful that I will feel like myself before this week is up.
“Sun Is Shining (The Island Mix)” By Bob Marley
Sun is shining, the weather is sweet, yeah
Make you wanna move your dancing feet now
To the rescue, here I am
Want you to know, y’all, can you understand?
When the mornin´ gather the rainbow, yeah, yeah
Want you to know, I’m a rainbow too now
To the rescue, here I am
Want you to know, y’all, can you, can you, can you understand?
Sun is shining, the weather is sweet now
Make you wanna move your dancing feet, yeah
But to the rescue, here I am
Want you to know just if you can,
here I stand, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
Can you understand me now, baby?
Do you believe me?
The sun is out today and for the first time in weeks the temperature is in the 70’s. It almost feels like Cali again. If only it was Friday already…c’est la vie. Back to work I go. Perhaps, if I’m lucky, I will be able to get out of here while the sun is still out.
