Musings of an Empress

Today the gray sky mirrors my mood. It’s not that I am sad today; rather, I am stuck in a state of confusion. I feel like I am pulled in so many different directions. And as Grace aptly said Sunday night: this confusion may not be of my own making but I do choose it.

The choosing of the drama isn’t intentional…I don’t like drama. I prefer for life to move along witht he least amount of heartache possible…it would seem like a given wouldn’t it? Anyway, I know that I have always drawn in those that are hurting or confused or those who just need some reassurance or light. This stage of my life is no exception. Though, there is one now who challenges what I always thought I knew. I don’t mean that on a deep spiritual level as though I were going to lose myself or my faith…it’s not like that…if anything this person strengthens my my faith and my belief system. I now have someone other than Clark that can calm my mind in return for me calming the world around me.

I’m still not used to being taken care of by those who intrinsically understand more than the physical. I have always had amazing people in my life and I couldn’t be more grateful. I love you all without question or reservation and I am extremely blessed with the life I get to lead. Thank you.

I do however find myself confused by things that should be clear to me. There are things that should be cut and dried…black and white with no room for gray…and yet, here I sit…confused. Sigh…I know that I will work things out, just as I always do…but this time it’s bigger…it’s more permanent than it’s ever been. This world isn’t quite as it seems and nothing is as it should be. I will weather this storm as I have all the others. At least I have wonderful people who will follow me as far as I will let them.

I am done with dwelling for the time being…I can’t force change or action or anything else onto others…no matter how much I care about them. So, moving on to another topic.

If you’re in need of some good, thought-provoking reading, go see Miss Joan she has outdone herself yet again I’d vote for her is she ever went in to politics.

When you are done there, go see Zach he has written yet another post both haunting and beautiful. Stay safe out there Zach, you are your boys are in my prayers.

Photos of Jean and Spencer’s wedding are up at the “real life” site. If you need the link again…email me. Hope ya’ll are having a good start to the week.

I will write about Thanksgiving and the weekend at some point today…for now I am the only one in here so work must come first.

I went driving tonight…I had to get as far from myself as I could…if only for a short time. I wanted to yell and scream and be angry…not that it would do me any good. I’m not even angry…and I am long past frustrated. But there are moments (more and more fleeting) when I want to strangle Clark because I can’t have what I want. I don’t deal well with “no”.His inability to get his life together has precluded me getting what I want…and I having the life I want to lead…the life he promised.

I’m really not as selfish as all that…I have far deeper understanding that it sounds. But mania is an interesting beast and when it rears its ugly head…one never knows what I will say…so, I drove…and as I drove I had two songs running through my head…this is one of them.

Carry On My Wayward Son ~ Kansas

{Refrain}
Carry on my wayward son
There’ll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don’t you cry no more

Ahhhh….

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher
But I flew too high

Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man
I hear the voices when I’m dreaming
I can hear them say

{Refrain}

Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don’t know

On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about I’m like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune
But I hear the voices say

{Refrain}

Carry on, you will always remember
Carry on, nothing equals the splendor
Now your life’s no longer empty
But surely heaven waits for you

Carry on my wayward son
There’ll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don’t you cry (don’t you cry no more)

This is cross-posted from Seven Inches of Service. This week we decided to make a short list of things (Military-related of course) that we are thankful for. The rest of the posts are up. Go check them out. Here is mine:

As Thanksgiving rapidly approaches, I am again reminded of how much I have to be thankful for. I truly am a lucky girl. I am surrounded by wonderful, caring people and I am blessed to count them as friends. As I look back at my life since the military became such a part of my existence, I am a bit overwhelmed by how fortunate I have been and how many fantastic opportunities I have had.
It was difficult to pare down the list of things I am thankful for…however, I still have much cooking and baking to finish this afternoon, so this is a truncated and more generic list than I would normally write. So, here are some of the important ones.

1. I am thankful I live in this country and the freedoms that living here affords.
2. I am thankful for the men and women of all branches of the Armed Services both past and present for their tireless service and sacrifice to keep this country safe and free.
3. I am thankful for the wonderful family members who brought Clark into my life in the first place. Without them my life would have turned out so differently, and I wouldn’t know any of these wonderful people.
4. I am so blessed to have all of my Service Sisters. They have been the most wonderful support system for the last few years. I don’t know where I would be without these incredible ladies.
5. I am thankful for all the ways that Clark has touched my life. Words are not enough to say how deeply he has impacted my soul. So thank you, Clark. You are an amazing man.

It is my hope that ya’ll have a wonderful Thanksgiving, wherever you are, in the world and in life. Have a blessed holiday!

There don’t seem to be enough hours in the day lately. As ya’ll can see by the serious lack of posting, I am barely treading water. I’m doing alright, don’t get too worried yet; it’s just that i have been running nonstop for the last two weeks.

Since Thursday, I have averaged about 3 hours of sleep a night. Normally that would leave me a bit tired but none too worse for wear…the last few days however…well it’s been a different story. Not that it’s been all bad…quite the contrary actually.

I started out my weekend badly though; I stayed home sick from work on Friday. I quite literally didn’t move until 5pm. (Sometimes being a girl is overrated) Anyway, my migraine finally subsided and with 5 vinvins in my system I was ready to face the world. Grace and I went to Napa to say goodbye to g-ma. (Grandpa wasn’t speaking to me, so I barely said goodbye to him) G-ma, on the other hand, was having a terrible time because she wasn’t even close to wanting to leave. We left my aunt’s house around 10pm and came home.

From there my brother S called and demanded that we come out to G’s bar to see him and some of my Fire captains. So, another Vinvin and off we went. It was a good night, we stayed to close but not any longer than it took to close down. Before that happened however, Kee somehow (the actual mechanics involved are still not quite clear to me) managed to get me up to sing with him. My voice was so not up to a performance…though only the people who know what i sound like normally noticed a difference.

I slept fitfully that night and the dreams were very vivid…there is so much going on right now…I don’t have the ability to shut my brain off. Anyway, Saturday was boring housecleaning during the day. But that night, T took me with him to the City. We went to Cirque du Soleil. It was incredible!! I was like a little kid, completely mezmerized… Besides how often have you been able to say, “Today i saw acrobatic midgets in a spinning hoop.” Honestly though, superlatives escape me…the show was like a gigantic dream. Thanks T!
Yesterday was a ceremony honoring the “heroes” in our community: the Police, Firefighters, Sheriffs, CHP, and Armed Forces. It was a beautiful tribute and I am so proud of my dad for the owrk he did to get all of the men and women together to be honored…in case you wondered, it’s not easy to get real heroes to sit still to be honored. They usually prefer annonymity. Anyway, it was made even more poingnant by the fact that our community lost a CHP officer this week in the line of duty. It has been a somber time around our EMS agencies. If ya’ll think about it, keep him family in your thoughts.

I am home. Well, I am back to work at least. My mini-vacation is over. Four days off from work, two of which were spent driving…I am tired. It was a wonderful trip though.

My extended family went to Disneyland (I say “went” though as I type most of them are still playing in the Magic Kingdom) and I brought along Grace and G. We drove down after G closed the bar on Saturday night…technically it was Sunday morning.

We spent two days at Disneyland and it was wonderful!! I honestly think that as amusement parks and tourist traps go, it really is the “happiest place on earth”. When I’m there, I’m like a little kid; everything is new and exciting and fun. It’s good to have that escape every now and then. It has been a long time since I have been able to set aside all of the stress and drama that surrounds me. But for two days, I was able to return to the child I am at heart.

Anyway, there is much to write and so little time to order my thoughts. I know I am rarely at a loss for words and that continues to be true despite the lack of posting that appears to contradict my statement. I am hoping to have time to at least breathe in the near future. I went four days without meaningful sleep of any sort from Thursday to Monday. Though I finally slept last night. It’s the first time in over a month that I’ve slept an entire night through…I woke up for OIF times, but that doesn’t even count anymore– it’s such a normal part of my sleep pattern.

G-ma leaves on Saturday and that is an event I would prefer not to think about. I haven’t been able to spend hardly any time with her on this trip though I have seen her dozens of times. That fact saddens me because I won’t see her again until February. Sometimes I’m still angry at my grandpa for bullying her into moving…she cries whenever we talk and it rips my heart out each and every time. I know that it’s partly for selfish reasons that I want her to be closer to me again…but I miss her terribly these days.

I won’t be around much tonight either…I have to be at the fire station as soon as I get done with work. Afterwards, I am going to visit Kee. He has answers and I have questions; so I decided that now is an excellent time. My soul is very restless today…there is something in the air…I have felt the pull from many directions. I know several others feel it today as well. Kee calms me; and that is what I need right now.

On a happier note, Jean and Spencer’s wedding picture proofs came back. I’ve seen some of the pictures and this weekend, I’m going to look at all of them with Jean. I am so very excited for her!

ooh, and one more thing. The fabulous and talented Ms. Rae has a new home. Go visit her. Congrats Rae, it looks fantastic!

Today, of all days, ya’ll don’t need to read my words, hear my opinions on inconsequential matters. Today is Veteran’s Day or Rememberance Day.

This is a time when all I can say is thank you. I know my words cannot fully express the gratitude in my heart; nor can they illuminate fully the pride in my heart for my loved ones who are or have been in the military.

Rather than continue a feeble attempt to say all the things that need said, I direct you to a few people more eloquent than I.

First, I ask that you visit my dear friend Joan. She has a very moving and heartfelt tribute to a brave man with a beautiful soul.

Next, visit my wonderful Service sister, Lauren and see what she has to say.

Also, go see the fantastic Sgt. Hook who has a great photo tribute.

If you can, take the time to go say Thanks to these guys.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you to Clark, James, K, Greg, E, and all their brothers (and sisters) in arms.

Sorry that posting has been so sporadic this week. I am still getting over being sick. I am however feeling markedly better, so posting should be back up almost to normal. This week, Seven Inches of Service will resume over at Miss Joan’s place. All of the posts are up over there, so go read each and every one!!!

This week’s topic is loyalty and faithfulness; an issue pretty close to my heart. Clark and I were only a few weeks into our relationship when he went overseas. Most people thought I was crazy to think that I could really have a long distance relationship with a man I had only known for a few weeks; but I was certain. I knew deep down that not only was I completely in love with Clark, but that I would wait as long as I had to for us to be together.

It feels a bit strange to me that I am even writing this post. It would seem to me that in any relationship, it would be obvious that cheating is verboten. However, I’ve been around the military enough to know that cheating all too frequently portrayed as inevitable.

I have a difficult time with that idea. The thought of cheating on Clark never occurred to me. Was it difficult to be without him for eleven months? Hell yeah it was!! But he was the one I wanted, so why even consider looking elsewhere?

All the Army girlfriends and wives I surrounded myself with felt the same way. I did know of girls who were screwing around, but they were a minority by far. Most of us were (and still are) fiercely loyal and completely faithful.

Not to say that temptation doesn’t exist. I really do thing that guys have this homing beacon that they sense when a girl has a deployed boyfriend. When Clark deployed, it was as if guys just came out of the woodwork. It’s as though deployments can turn otherwise nice civilian guys into creeps who are convinced that army girlfriends want nothing more than to leave their soldiers for them.

For me, the extra attention was the last thing I wanted. I wanted Clark, plain and simple…nothing and no one else. One guy told me he could make me really happy. My response: “Great, so you’re going to go get my boyfriend from the Sandbox? Because he’s the only one who’s going to make me that happy right now.”

I’ve been cheated on before and it’s not in me to be that girl. I could never cause Clark that kind of pain. No matter how bad things ever got, cheating was never even a consideration. So, while Clark had a lot of things to worry about while he was deployed, my faithfulness and our relationship weren’t on that list.

I talked to G this morning. It’s official: She finally got picked up full-time by the department. Her orientation starts January 1st. This is beyond a dream come true for her. I am so very proud of G!! This job is the end result of three years of intense training, hard work, and superhuman determination.

For a moment anyway, there will be nothing but rejoicing!! G, I am so proud!! Love you to the moon, girlie!

I’m a child of the 80’s…it’s not my fault.

Nihilist Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
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PS~ I got this over at Stacy’s place.

I thought it was amusing…that and I don’t have time for a real post right now. I will write a real post soon, I promise. My weekend has been crazy busy and that is exactly what i need right now. Anyway, I’m off to G’s bar…so for the time being, I leave you with one of my favorite Bob Marley songs…enjoy.