Musings of an Empress

This piece is beautifully written and utterly heartbreaking. Zach certainly has a way with words. It’s just further proof of the high sacrifices given by modern day heroes.

I thought this was awesome! Sgt. Hook is up and running again, so if you haven’t meandered over there yet, get ta steppin!! What are ya’ll waiting for?

Another great article about why our soldiers serve. There is some good stuff out there today kids.

I am swamped at work today, so this is going to suffice for posting today. Sorry, but they actually expect me to spend some of my day working…I know, the audacity of some people. But I need to be off work on time today… tonight is Rascal Flatts!! Then karaoke out at G’s bar. Woohoo!! Should be a party…now if only the sun would come out! Have a great weekend ya’ll!

Mea culpa. I apologize that it is now Thursday and there has been no mention around here of Seven Inches of Service. I am not the only one just trying to keep up with life right now; so as a result, I have given my fabulous service sisters the week off. In their stead I am posting something I wrote quite a while back while Clark was deployed. SIOService will be back up and running next week. Thanks for being so patient with us…there is good stuff coming

When Clark was gone, there was one thing that made our relationship easier. That was the constant, and I mean quite literally glued to my ear, constant presence of my cell phone. Cell phones can cost a fortune, and there were months that my bill was $400 or so. But me having it meant that no matter where I was or whatever I was doing, if Clark had the opportunity to call, he could call me and we could talk, even if it was only for a couple minutes.

I programmed all the numbers Clark called from into my cell phone so as long as he was at BIAP or at least using the same calling system, I’d always know it was him!!! They came up on my phone like a regular number but the area code was usually some random place like Chicago or Nashville though he did get a couple LA ones, so I set it up in my phone so the calls would say either Kuwait (1-6) or Baghdad (1-5). That also made it easier to register in my brain when he would call me in the middle of the night. It’s a ten or eleven hour time difference depending on whether your soldier is in Kuwait or Iraq.

Either way, if it was morning for Clark, it was night for me, and vice versa. Whenever he could, Clark would call me early in the morning so he could be my alarm clock. He said that if he couldn’t be with me to wake me up, then at least he could be the first person I heard in the morning. It wasn’t a perfect system, but we definitely made the best of it.

Clark and I were very fortunate because where he was stationed, they had phone access; unreliable access at best, every four days. And Clark definitely made use of his time. He would call me his morning and his night so that with the time change I would get to talk to him two days in a row. It became normal for me to count time in units of four. To this day, when you ask me what time it is, my brain automatically figures out what time it is in Iraq as well.

Clark always said that for him, talking to me kept him sane and focused and that he needed me and our conversations to get through the days; that wasn’t the case for all the guys in his unit. For some of them, they only called home once a week simply because they said it was too painful, stressful or made them too homesick.

It’s been my experience that most deployed soldiers call home, or at least their girlfriends, as often as they get the chance. This leads to a whole other set of issues however: the parents. If you, as the girlfriend have a good relationship with the parents, this part is much easier, or so I’m told.

I didn’t have the option of getting to know Clark’s parents before he left, and there were a few unhappy feelings, to say the least, on his mom’s part. Not because he called me, but rather because he would call me instead of them. I got phone calls every single phone day, there were a few exceptions, but that falls into a different deployment category (ya know, the whole flexibility and Army planning portion). His parents on the other hand, got calls every few weeks, or basically every time I would tell Clark that if he didn’t call his parents by next phone day I wouldn’t talk to him until he had. His mom and dad knew about me and that he was calling me, but that didn’t make them feel any better about being skipped on phone day. I encouraged Clark frequently to call his family and most of the other girlfriends I know encourage their soldiers to call home.

Even with those efforts, there was still some resentment; and honestly, I can’t say that I even blame Clark’s mom for that. I don’t think I would have been particularly thrilled with the situation had our roles been reversed. However, I did the best I could and eventually most of his family came around.

I worked really hard to remind myself whenever I felt whiny about phone time that my grandmothers went through this too…only they didn’t have the luxury of any phones. They had to wait weeks and months to hear…not mere days. Kinda put my situation back into perspective.
I am still thankful for opportunities Clark had to call while he was deployed.

Anyone care to dance?

It won’t leave my head. So maybe if I put it out here, and make you listen to it…then maybe we’ll make a trade and it will no longer accompany my every thought. I am a tired girl and I need some rest. It is after all officially “G-ma Day”!! YAY!! (and the peasants rejoiced) G-ma and Grandpa get in tonight…it is now technically Thursday so I am actually correct. I swear I will write a real post later, but until then:

There are a couple posts that I think ya’ll should read. Miss Joan and Sgt. Hook have some good things to say. Go, read and learn.

I hope ya’ll are sleeping while I type this. I too hope to sleep tonight. Much love to you all. Thanks for all the encouraging emails and phone calls…you really are the best.

Disclaimer:I have to start this post by saying that to all my friends, I love you dearly. I can’t imagine my life without a single one of you. Please understand that the words that follow need to come out of me as this place is my therapy. Don’t doubt for a second my love for you all.

There are times when, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t keep the sun in view. Today started out as one of those days. I am doing well in the mental balance arena; but it’s a strech right now.

I know that there are many people in my life who care deeply for me, and I am very grateful and blessed. Sometimes I am even overwhelmed by that love. Right now there are people in my life who care too much and the pressure becomes too great for me. I feel like I am supposed to be everything to everyone and then there is nothing left for me. It’s probably my own projections based on my insecurities, but there it is…true or not, it is my reality.

Knowing that they love in spite of my shortcomings only adds to that pressure. Right now, breathing is about all I am capable of in my physical life…but that’s not enought for some people. They need to know that I can still be one of the “shiny happy people” or they worry. Again, I can’t take that much pressure…I will shut down and when that happens, few can get through to me.

I came back from lunch today feeling the weight of these things. Then the sliver of sunshine. A wonderful friend who has been like a sister to me for years wrote me something so beautiful that i cried. I cried happy tears for the first time in a very long time. She has never expected me to be anything other than myself and she knows me well enough to allow me to be down. She has the knack of just knowing when I need pushed and when I need to find my own path. So Rie, thank you. Thank you for being so beautiful inside and out. Thank you for always watching over me while still allowing me to make my own choices. My words are insufficient to say how much of the weight you lifted off my soul just now.

Crazy thoughts have quick wings

My very dear friend, Rie wrote an absolutely beautiful post the other day, and I just feel compelled to share it.

My thoughts today refuse to be ordered…my mind has been a torrent of jumbled thoughts and half memories. I slept last night…about five hours of real sleep…only partial obstructed by dreams. I even had a couple of my own dreams last night. That was refreshing. But I woke up with an odd combination of songs running through my brain. The second verse of Breathe (2am) was on loop in my head. Later on I came to understand why. I am now back in control of myself and my emotions. The song I’ma leave ya’ll with for today is one I hadn’t heard in forever…but I do like it; so I’m going to share. Bonus points ot anyone who recognizes the song without googling it.

I will write more, but for now, this is all I can do. I am trying and every day I do a bit better.

This weekend contained many ups and downs…mostly in my own mind. I had been riding high on a manic cycle for about three weeks now. I was already on my way up when Clark reappeared…and as is often the case, my defense mechanism is to stay manic so that detaching is easier for me. Those who have seen me in action know what this looks like; for the rest of ya’ll, it goes something like this: In a manic state I am “up” I am also far less emotionally involved in anything…much of life appears surreal… I am both an observer and a participant in my own life.

With all the stress of the last few weeks, this imbalance has kept me sane…a twisted bit of irony, I know. Anyway, a manic cycle can only last for so long…then I crash…the longer I’m “up” the harder the crash. This one was not pretty. (not the ugliest by far, but not pretty)

I stayed busy right up until Saturday night at which point I melted down…I was overwhelmed and pressured and I couldn’t take any more…I called g-ma and just sobbed. As is always the case when it comes to g-ma, she knew exactly what to say and how to say it. I calmed down considerably by the time I got off the phone with her. (It doesn’t hurt that she reminded that she will be here in just three more days) I really have missed her.

After talking to g-ma I pulled myself together enough to talk to Jeanne who decided that while I did have my responsibilities, she would commence running interference between me and the outside world. (I am so thankful she is my roommate…Grace and I are very blessed.)

Later that evening I went down to see Jean, Spencer and T. It was a pretty low key and kickback night…which was exactly what my overworked little mind needed. I hate how fast my brain runs when I’m unbalanced. Anyway, I left there about midnight or so. My mind was still running so quickly and even driving wasn’t clearing it…so I did the next best thing I could think of: I went to go see G at her bar.

I hardly made it out of the car before I was tackled by G’s big sister. She gave me a huge hug and we started talking on and on. As soon as there was a break in the flow of words, Kee was standing there to give me a hug. After the three of us had our stories straight (why I’m there when I had just been there the night before, how the night was going for them, what kind of a mood G was in…ya know) Kee picked me up and carried me inside the bar…he set me down and loudly announced to G and the bar that he had brought G a present. She got a Cheshire cat grin on her face and demanded that I join her behind the bar.

I tended for a few minutes, said hi to everyone, had to make the rounds and meet G’s friends from high school…the usual. G and Kee decided that I was staying there until closing at least; so I hung out with Kee while G worked. (Fortunately there were no big fights, so Kee got to hang out.) Kee knew I was having a rough night so he was never more than like three feet from me for any length of time. He and I talked sports and life and joked about all the drunk people in the bar and how much coinage they deserved for the shows that were taking place. As the bar started to clear out after last call, we grooved to Bob Marley and Santana. Good times…

I stayed to help close the bar since by being there I save G an entire hour of closing time. Besides, it’s a lot of fun once Kee locks everyone else out and it’s just the four of us (G, her sissy, Kee and me…five if Grace is there). So I cleaned tables, washed glasses, restocked the paper goods while G restocked the bar and Kee cleaned up the dance floor and pool rooms…

Afterwards, we all sat on or around the bar and just talked…good times…I finally left at about 3:15 since I had to be up at 6:30 the next morning. So I said my goodbyes, more rounds of hugs and promises to G and Kee that I would be back next week…G made me promise to hang out this week (of course!! I’m totally making you help with cadets) and Kee made me promise that next week I will sing for him. They’ve been trying to get me to Karoake out there for a couple years now…but I am one of the freaks in this world that won’t sing buzzed. I have to be sober…because I do know what I sound like…and I like to have complete control over it.

By the time I got home my brain had slowed considerably and I managed to get a few hours of sleep. I am down from my manic swing and almost feeling “normal” again. I am still drained and want to hide out from the world until I can get my head right, but I am getting there. T told me last night that I am family…that means a lot to me. Family and friends are precisely what I need and want right now. I have enough drama with Clark to tide me over for quite some time…but friends and family…they keep me sane and grounded.

As a side note, Clark has been leaving boxes in my head again..”Babe, I don’t mind, but dude…could you at least move them into a corner…leaving them in the middle of the hall causes me to stub my toe and you know how I feel about that!” I’m tellin’ you, I’ma have to create a Clark closet and all the boxes can sit in there and commiserate: “‘Had a Gilmore girl, lost a Gilmore girl’, got her back, can’t figure out what comes next”…story of my life…but all in all I made it through relatively unscathed. This week should be interesting.

I am again hosting Seven Inches of Service this week. Hopefully, Miss Joan will be back with us next week; but until then, I will again try to fill her fabulous heels. This week’s topic is: What can our civilian friends do to support us? What should they say, what should they refrain from saying? What can they do to actually help us? What do we actaully need or want in terms of family involvement? How can we help our families understand what we are going through and what we need their response to be?

My post is definitely running late this week, I will fill it in this weekend, but since My Service Sisters have worked so hard on their entries; it’s a crime for me to keep them hidden. So here is half of this week’s enstallment of Seven Inches of Service. Enjoy.

Some civilians might feel awkward around people whose sweethearts are deployed – not sure what to say or what gestures to make. I’ve been very fortunate, because even though most of my friends and family aren’t directly connected with the military, they’ve still managed to be wonderful support over the past 10 months. I can’t speak for the others left on the home front, but I have figured out a few things that work for me.

Don’t:

Say you don’t know how I can handle this. We all play the hands we’re dealt, and this is no different. I know you mean well, but pity doesn’t help.

Tease me for carrying my mobile phone everywhere I go and checking e-mail obsessively, just in case he gets a chance to call or write.

Complain about being apart from your significant other for what I would consider a short time, say, a week. Do you have an idea of when he’s coming back? Is he getting shot at? No? Then I can’t muster much sympathy.

Unless you’re ready to enlist, don’t tell me how great you think this war is and list the countries you think “we” should invade next.

Ask why I’d want to move to where he’s stationed (after a yearlong deployment, why wouldn’t we want to be in the same place?), or suggest he transfer to where I live. The Army doesn’t work that way.

Do:

Ask about him. It won’t upset me, or suddenly remind me of what he’s doing. He’s on my mind 24 hours a day anyway. Besides, I like talking about him.

Invite me to do things, even if everyone else is coupled up; most days I’d rather be a third (or fifth) wheel than not go out at all.

Understand if I need to flake out once in a while. There are times – when Sidney tells me not to watch the news for the next 24 hours, for example – when I’m going to be lousy company.

Drop him a line or send him a care package, if you feel comfortable doing so. He loves to see anything from home, and to know that someone – even (or especially) someone he doesn’t know – is thinking about him.

Share your experiences, if you’ve got them. In addition to my sister (as well as my Service sisters), the other pillar of strength during this deployment has been a dear family friend who sent her sweetheart off to World War II. Not only is she incredibly encouraging, but she’s able to offer great perspective. He was gone for five years; they had only letters for communication. Let’s not even talk about how much battlefield medicine has progressed since then. Considering this does wonders to drag me out of my self-pity. (Best of all, he came home safely and they’ve been able to grow old together, and that gives me all kinds of hope.)

Finally, the one suggestion that I think holds for all of us: If you don’t know what we need, ask.

Long distance relationships are tough, so we try to find things that will help make life a bit easier as we journey through the separation. We understand that we chose to pursue a military partnership, but support from our family and friends is much appreciated. Not to mention it will probably result in helping us to stay in a much better mood.

What can our civilans friends do to support us? First off, I would suggest in not badmouthing the missions and jobs of our boyfriends. We know that everyone might not agree with everything that the military does, but this is their duty and they are working hard to accomplish a job. Staying positive is a key to our sanity so your help in this manner would be great! Also, please dont suggest that we are “wasting our time” waiting for them and that we should find a man here. Thats not what we want to hear and we dont want a guy here…we want our boyfriend!

What we do need is for family and friends to console and comfort us when we are down. Let us whine a bit to get it all off our chest, then take us out for a good time to get our minds off of it! This does not inlude doing things with all couples, obviously excluding us. I dont want to be around 5 other couples all night while I am still PMSing about not seeing my boyfriend in months. Girl time just pampering ourselves, playing games, shopping, eating out, watching movies, etc. is awesome! Oh yes, all the stupid lil fights that you want to complain to us about, DONT! We would love to have our men get on our nerves…that would mean that they were here with us.

As far as things that we can do to help our family and friends understand what we are going through…education. I guess just trying to teach them more about the Army and what our soldiers do will help them to have a better understanding of what we go through. I know some parents, silblings, and friends might have a tendency to cut down boyfriends if they feel that they are not doing their duty as a boyfriend. They will have to learn that soldiers will be often gone physically, and at times not even able to communicate. Please dont hold this against them, of course, unless there is a very good reason.

Last thing…if our soldiers call or get the chance to visit, PLEASE dont get mad if we drop everything to talk to them or be with them! It is a given that we WILL spend as much time as we can either talking or being with them physically. We miss em!

Lauren B.

When it comes down to it, there isn’t much I can askof civilians in support of me personally. I don’twant you to kiss my ass or wave a flag in my face.Don’t offer me false sympathy or tell me that you knowhow I feel. The odds are: you have no clue.Being a seperated army girlfriend is like a long distance relationship on CRACK. In this kind of relationship (during deployments at least) waiting for his call isn’t just about feeling validated - its amatter of life and death.The only thing I can really ask of civilians at all is not to pretend that you understand. Military family members, however, are a differentstory.

It is very difficult, dare I say impossible,to survive your man’s deployment if you can’t get along with his family. The odds are, if your soldier is overseas - he might only have the time/energy to contact one person: either a representative of his family, or his girl. If a soldier contacts his family first (which he probably should - but only so long as he remembers to get to his girl soon!), his family becomes her lifeline. The same is true in reverse.

A constant exchange of communication is VITAL to everyone’s sanity. Hell, its gotten to the point where I talk to Gene’s parents about 5X more than he does - and his siblings visit me and call on a regular basis. When it comes down to it, I don’t want the credit here. Oh sure, its as tough as fuck to be in this kind of relationship - but not nearly as difficult as dodging mortars in a sandstorm.
Judy