True Outrage
“There is so much we cannot do. We cannot give the children back their parents, but we can return to them their most basic human rights–their rights to health, tenderness and life.” Audrey Hepburn
Ok, so I’m going out on a limb here and I’m going to get on another political soapbox. Those of you who know me in my real life know that this cause is a big deal to me…it is something I am very passionate about.
A little background so that this tirade doesn’t come out of nowhere…I was reading political blogs around the ’sphere…and I am so very, very tired of hearing ill-informed alarmists and so-called watchdogs spewing the rhetoric of “No blood for oil.”
Is that really the only thing ya’ll have to say?? Ya’ll can’t possibly think that is the only thing this war is about?? Or, in the same vein…there is the ever popular Gitmo drama that has actually ended up back-firing on the uninformed…
Anyway, I’m starting to get off-track…back to my original rant, I am sick and tired of hearing about “the injustice” of it all…of the “callous attitudes” of the U.S. military personnel just doing their jobs…but here’s where I get really frustrated…
I would put good money on the fact that all these grandstanders never even flinched at the concept of Blood Diamonds; the diamond market barely felt the effects here in America…so apparently it’s only certain ethnicities who are worthy of the liberal political outrage…
These politicians didn’t stop buying diamonds and other jewels…they barely acknowledged the reports of the slaughter of the innocents…God forbid they (the American politicos) have to show up for any event as anything less than glitterati. I’m sure there are a few who at least paused long enough to get their next round of jewels certified. (which for the record is still the only way to be sure that your diamonds haven’t come from the slave mines in Sierra Leone)
The civil wars in Sierra Leone produced thousands of victims, and yet it barely registers on the public conscious…but a few terrorists claim to have been mistreated and the nation is up in arms?!?!?! How can this be? If this country (which I happen to love and am so proud to be a part of) is going to invest aid money in foreign countries…how ’bout we continue to direct money towards the helpless…not waste time “to rehabilitate” criminals who go back out to terrorize us again??
In my mind this isn’t an apples and oranges debate…but rather a Granny Smith versus Fuji issue… but that’s my two cents worth.
End Rant.
Certain Connection
When Clark can’t sleep, I can’t sleep…it sucks…even when he is completely out of my life in the physical sense, somehow we are still connected. I can’t explain it, and I can only begin to understand it…the same is true for him…and it scares him to death. I am far more comfortable with our “understanding” of one another, as it were.
Before me, he had never felt a connection to another human being this strong…or this deep…that’s not unusual, really…most people never have this type of connection to another. If I’m hurting…he knows…the same for me when he is hurting. If one of us is in danger, the other knows…close calls even register…even when there was an entire continent between us, we knew.
I guess I should start this story at its beginning. I have premonitions…not about everyone…but I have them frequently, and I’ve never been wrong. I have always been able to tell the difference between a dream and a premonition. In high school is where I became very conscious of my premonitions and the impact I could have in the lives of others.
I’m sure there are many skeptics out there, and that is perfectly ok with me. I’ve probably heard it all by this point…I have been called crazy and spooky; I have been asked if I was a witch. The answer is of course: No. I don’t just “see” the future…it’s specific…you can’t just ask me a question and I turn into a crystal ball. That’s not how this works. The point is, until Clark, I had NEVER had a premonition about someone I didn’t know. I have had them about people I have never “met” but they were (and are) all people I “know”.
My stories of premonition and cosmic connection do have their own bond…the first person I was connected to, as deeply as Clark, was a dear friend of mine: Dean. He and I made absolutely no sense on paper…not even as friends. But we understood each other so well…we rarely needed words. We were never anything more than friends…it would have screwed things up, I think. But we knew each other’s souls inside and out. We eventually lost touch…but we still have a connection…the last time I heard from him I was still living in San Diego. I was at the end of my emotional rope and I was actually about three hours from my nervous breakdown. He called me out of the blue (mind you, I had never given him my new cell number, he just found me) and he told me he knew what was going on…he spelled it all out for me…there was no way he could have known…I know this because NO ONE he knew had any idea that I wasn’t well.
I was sitting at the beach the day he called…I was just staring at the ocean, contemplating how I could keep my life from completely crumbling…I heard my phone ring…and I just knew it was Dean. It didn’t have a special ring…I had no reason to know he would call…and I hadn’t heard from him in over a year. But it was Dean, of course…and I knew I wouldn’t have to explain anything…and I knew he wouldn’t need to say anything…that’s just how we worked.
Enough about Dean though, thinking about him, makes me sad….so I move on…back to my story. I always thought it was crazy to be so connected to another human…and if I had that once in my life, that was more than I should have ever dreamed, right?
Apparently I was wrong…because that’s exactly what I found with Clark. Even before I knew him…
I got to know Clark in the spring of 2003 while he was stationed at Ft. Lewis in Washington. He was the best friend of my cousin’s hubby, James. I knew nothing about Clark except his name…literally, that is all I knew…and one night I had a premonition…so I called my cousin TG the next morning and I told her that I had something I needed to get to James…but I needed him to not freak out about it. So I told her exactly what I had seen…and she agreed that James needed to know.
So, I called him…I was afraid he would think I was insane…or just dumb at best. But he believed me…he thought it was crazy, but he said that he would pay attention and get back to me.
For the record, it happened EXACTLY as I told him it would…here’s what I saw:
I saw Clark, in perfect detail (and yeah he really does look like the man I saw)…he was in a bad mood about the day and was looking for a fight. He had been joking around with one of the other soldiers and out of no where, something set Clark off…it was some argument about ordering pizza. He got agitated and was ready to throw down with the guy…who apparently didn’t realize that Clark wasn’t playing anymore. I then saw them start to full out wrestle…I then saw James jump in between them and pull Clark off the other guy…about thirty seconds later the first sergeant (the one without a sense of humor) walked up…had James not stopped them, Clark would have been written up and it would have caused him massive drama. I then saw James explain to Clark why he needed to settle down and that everything would be more clear in the morning.
That’s when I woke up…the story I relayed to James had a lot of holes in it…I didn’t want things to play out because he knew…but rather I wanted him to be aware of what was going to play out. All the details I gathered from James after the fact matched what I saw exactly.
Two days later I started talking to Clark…and the connection was already set…that first night we talked for five hours…it was as if we had both known each other forever…after all of the ups and downs we have been through in the last 2 ½ years…I have no doubt that this connection will last. Regardless of our “relationship status” we will always care and understand the other person.
I have many, many more stories along these lines…where the connection between Clark and myself is readily evident…these will come out soon I’m sure…but enough for right now.
Explanation of Things to Come
No Other Way ~ Jack Johnson
When your mind is a mess so is mine I can’t sleep
Because it hurts when I think,
when my thoughts aren’t at peace
With the plans that we make and the chances we take
They’re not yours, they’re not mine
There are waves that can break A
ll the words that we said and the words that we mean
And the words can fall short, can’t see the unseen
Because the world is awake for somebody’s sake
Now please close your eyes
Woman [Man], please get some sleep
Sleep and know that if I knew all of the answers
I would not hold them from you
Know all of the things that I know
Because we told each other there is no other way
Too much silence can be misleading
You’re drifting I can hear it in
the way that you’re breathing
We don’t really need to find reason
Because out the same door that it came well it’s leaving
It’s leaving
Leaving like a day that’s done and part of a season
Resolve is just a concept that’s as dead as the leaves
But at least we could sleep, it’s all that we need
When we wake we would find, our minds would be free
To go to sleep
Sleep and know that if I knew all of the answers
I would not hold them from you
Know all of things that I know
Because we told each other there is no other way
For Your Listening Pleasure
I actually took Nikka out of my cd player in the car today. I know…it’s a shock…but I decided that I hadn’t listened to Fefe Dobson since I hadn’t heard her in forever…I came across today’s song…I had forgotten about it. I really enjoy her music…she’s young, but she seems to have a good head on her shoulders and I definitely enjoy artists who write (or at least co-write) their own songs…So here ya’ll go.
Everything ~ Fefe Dobson
Sometimes I give into sadness
Sometimes I don’t
Sometimes I’m part of the madness
Sometimes i won’t give in to you
Ya see in a way I have been drifting
down a river to nowhere
And you’re giving me nothing
(Chorus)
But if you’re ready to be my everything
if you’re ready to see it through this time
and if you’re ready for love then
this I will bring
but I’m not going to wait
for you forever this time
At times I feel myself smiling
At times I’m not
What’s with that guilt that you’re styling baby
Talk don’t look good on you
Ya see in a way I have been looking
for a reason to go there
And you’re leading me nowhere
(chorus)
Are you waiting for a special occasion
to give me your heart
cause I need a little confirmation
To make a real start
Don’t wait til its too late
Are you ready to show me
Are you ready to love me
Random Answers
Ok so Miss Jess sent me this questionaire the other day and since it was mildly amusing, I am now passing on a few of the more random answers…maybe you’ll learn something, maybe you won’t, maybe you don’t care…that is all up to you…I simply provide answers here…
1. Were you named after anyone? the story I like? or the truth?? No, seriously, I was named after the character Jenna Wade on “Dallas”
2. When did you last cry? ummm…about two days ago…i was so mad I cried…I hate it when I’m a girl like that
3. When did you last laugh? This morning…FG makes me laugh a lot
4. What is your birth date? 4-21
5. What is your most embarrassing CD? I proudly claim all cds I own…but probably my ‘Nmotion cd…you don’t remember them? Don’t worry you didn’t miss anything
6. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? oh, hell yah! I think I’m amazing! 
7. Do you have a journal? This is kind of a redundant question since you’re currently reading it…it’s the first one I’ve actually kept up with…
8. Do you use sarcasm a lot? ummm hello? I grew up in a fire house…any more questions?
9. What are your nicknames? Jenn, Jennanah, kiddo, Precious, little one, Empress
10. Would you bungee jump? been there, done that, got the t-shirt
11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? if they tie to begin with…if they’re flip flops I’d look silly trying to untie them…don’t you think?
12. Do you think that you are strong? Physically or emotionally?? The answer is yes on both counts…I don’t always feel strong, but the fact that I’m still on the planet is a testiment to the fact that I’m stronger than I think
13. Favorite Sounds? kids laughter, ocean waves, engines, friends voices
14. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? I’ma skip this question…I’m not allowed to dwell on the things i don’t like because I get unhealthy
15. Who do you miss most? my g-ma and Clark
16. What are you listening to right now? Currently “Forever and Ever” by Randy Travis and pieces of “tray again” by Alihiah (sp?) that I can hear from FG’s stereo
17. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Deep, deep metallic purple
18. What is the weather out like right now? it is a beautiful early summer day in the Sacto Valley
19. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? shoulders, eyes, shaved head (or lack thereof)
20. Favorite Drink? “but why is the rum gone?” here here agreed…Malibu with well just about anything
21. Favorite Sport? FOOTBALL baby
22. Favorite Food? Santanas…ok so I like Mexican food…and Thai food (but not if it smells like feet)
23. Last Movie You Watched? Batman Begins (sooo good!! I love Christian Bale)
24. Favorite Smells? sexy man, rain in the forest, ocean, Christmas, diesel exhaust off of fire trucks…
25. Do you have a special talent? do you have $1.99?? Just kidding…
Mellow Morning
My day is all out of order today. I just got to work a bit ago…yeah that would indeed mean that I am 2 ½ hours late (yes I called in ahead of time). Anyway, I had to stay home with Mamacita this morning. She’s recovering well, but she has a migraine from the anesthesia they used so she can’t be left alone. So I stayed with her until Dad got there to take over.
No big deal, I honestly don’t mind. I mean, Lord knows she’s taken care of me enough times…but today it threw my whole routine off. I didn’t know I would be staying home until about two minutes before I was supposed to leave for work.
I’m a pretty flexible person, and I don’t actually like to have my whole day mapped out…but I do enjoy having at least an idea of what the game plan looks like. In my office, I have developed a pretty rigid morning routine for myself, mostly just to make sure I don’t forget any of the 53 steps I go through each day…and it helps combat the incredible disorder of the office where I work.
It’s a good thing that I am detail-oriented without being particularly neurotic…I’d never survive, or like our attorneys, I’d be working on my very own coronary.
No, instead, I spent the morning bored off my ass…I got to talk to Miss Jess (who finally went to the doctor today) but we were both really boring…I couldn’t get too far from Mamacita and I had to be quiet (so cleaning is out) so we watched “The Price Is Right”. Can I just tell you…SO BORING!! It made me feel so damn old!! It did reaffirm my knowledge that there is absolutely nothing on TV during the morning hours. Oy!
So I finally got here to the office about noon…I actually got parking (woohoo!!) And, as a bonus, I’ve managed to get work done already…but my day is completely out of whack now…I don’t know how I’m going to get back on schedule…but I have to try…I have cadets tonight…
Hmm…on that note, I really ought to find out what I am teaching…
Classic Croonin’
This one definitely goes back a ways…it’s Billie Holiday…I just love her music…I grew up listening to her, and to Ella Fitzgerald…those women had incredible talent…Billie’s music speaks to the immense pain she felt in her life…but so much of what she sang is just beautiful. So enjoy.
The Man I Love ~ Billie Holiday
Someday he’ll come along
The man I love
And he’ll be big and strong
The man I love
And when he comes my way
I’ll do my best to make him stay
He’ll look at me and smile
I’ll understand
Then in a little while
He’ll take my hand
And though it seems absurd
I know we both won’t say a word
Maybe I shall meet him Sunday
Maybe Monday, maybe not
Still I’m sure to meet him one day
Maybe Tuesday will be my good news day
He’ll build a little home
That’s meant for two
From which I’ll never roam
Who would, would you
And so all else above
I’m dreaming of the man I love
It’s In The Blood
Speaking (or rather, writing) of Kai being in the shop…I was almost late this morning getting her there. I missed my exit off the freeway. I was only one off and mostly it was because I needed the first exit but I always take the second one to get to work and I was in a holding pattern apparently…
…Ok so that’s only partially true…the exit part is totally true…but the real reason I missed my exit is because there were three flat bed semis carrying disassembled five ton wreckers…and I got distracted looking at the “prettys” as my niece used to say. Yeah it’s true…I missed my exit because I got distracted by army machinery…sigh…some of you know what I’m talking about.
As Miss Joan so perfectly described it…ya know…the resulting behavior of becoming Army By Proxy. It’s like, once you go army (or insert any other branch of the military) you can’t go back. It gets under your skin…almost into your blood.
It’s a love/hate relationship…the military and myself. I have no emotion toward the entity in and of itself. I accept it as just part of life…but the far-reaching effect it’s had on my life…well that’s the part it gets cloudy. I love my soldier…and I know that soldiering is in his blood (the same way firefighting is in mine) and it will always be an integral part of who he is.
It’s not like that for all of them…I know that…but for mine it is. He hates it, but he craves the structure and discipline it provides…he hates the deployment…but he excels under the pressure and restraints…I have soaked all that in…while I still maintain my own views and my own opinions…much of his attitude towards our country and his idea of patriotism has colored my world view…that’s actually something I am very thankful for.
It’s been a running debate for the last two years whether he will re-up at the end of his enlistment…only time will tell…the time comes in December. Part of me would love for him to transition into a civilian…but most of me knows that as G put it: It’s like a boxer that leaves the ring too early…he might survive, but the fight will hover right under the surface until he explodes…or the fire dies out…neither one is a welcome option.
So ok, I accepted years ago that the army would become a part of my life…in my conscious and unconscious mind…and now, I can’t imagine any other way.
Good News
I just got off the phone with Dad…Mamacita’s surgery went well and she recovered sufficiently to go home…that’s a huge relief. So hopefully her recovery will continue smoothly.
Kai is in the shop today too…hopefully nothing serious. I took her in for a service and safety…do ya’ll know how galling it is to have to pay a mechanic these days??? Oy!! Anyway, I am hoping they don’t find anything wrong with her (even though the transmission has been a bit off this week) I can’t really afford for anything major to be wrong…keeping fingers crossed.
Significant Song
Today’s song holds more meaning to me than most…the night after Clark and I broke up last Memorial weekend (a year ago…not a month ago) I was attempting to drown my sorrow and confusion with more Malibu than I should have in my possession…and this song lodged itself in my brain. This wouldn’t be odd (since I frequently cope through music) except that I can’t recall having ever really listened to the words of it. Yes I had “heard” it a few assorted times…but never really listened and yet the words echoed so clearly in my thoughts…especially the part about “things you said that day, up on the 101…I could not erase it” …Clark and I made that drive on the 101 up the coast of the entire bay… It was a beautiful day…we hiked up into the hills and so much of that song tells our story…the words resonate in my waking and frequently my sleeping thoughts as well…so here it is:
A Sorta Fairytale ~ Tori Amos
On my way up north
Up on the ventura
I pulled back the hood
and I was talking to you
and I knew then it would be
a life long thing
but I didn’t know that we
we could break a silver lining
and I’m so sad
like a good book
Ican’t put this day back
a sorta fairytale
with you
(a sorta fairytale with you)
a sorta fairytale
with you
(aoh aoh)
Things you said that day
Up on the 101
‘Bout a girl who’d come undone
I tried to downplay it
with a bet about us
you said that-
you could take it
as long as I could
I could not erase it
and I’m so sad
like a good book
I can’t put this day back
a sorta fairytale
with you
a sorta fairytale
with you
and I ride along side
and I rode along side
you then
and I rode along side
till you lost me there
in the open road
and I rode along side
till the honey spread
itself so thin
for me to break your bread
for me to take your word
I had to steal it
and I’m so sad
like a good book
I can’t put this day back
a sorta fairytale
with you
a sorta fairytale
with you
I could pick back up
whenever I feel
Down new mexico way
something about
the open road
I knew that he was
looking for some indian blood and
find a little in you find a little
in me. we may be
on this road but
We’re just
impostors
in this country you know
So we go along and we said
we’d fake it
Feel better with
Oliver Stone
till I almost smacked him -
seemed right that night and
I don’t know what
takes hold
out there in the
desert cold
these guys think they must
try and just get over on us
and I’m so sad
like a good book
I can’t put this
day back
a sorta fairytale
with you
a sorta fairytale
with you
And I was ridin’ by
ridin’ along side
for a while till you lost me
and I was ridin’ by
ridin’ along till you lost me
till you lost me in
the rear view
you lost me I said
Way up north I took my babe
all in all was a pretty nice day
and I put the hood
right back where
you could taste heaven perfectly
feel out the summer breeze
didn’t know when we’d be back
and I, I don’t
didn’t think we’d end up like…
like this
