Musings of an Empress

I survived!! Maybe the cycle is broken…perhaps Memorial Day will no longer hold such awful tidings…the memories will remain…but even those are fading with time…

I decided that this year I would lay low on Memorial Day…I didn’t answer the phone, text messages, nothing…I posted to this site, but I didn’t even return emails…I played the part of the ostrich with its head in the sand (didn’t I read somewhere that ostriches don’t actually do this? Anyone have an answer??) Anyway, I cut myself off from the world, and by doing so, I stayed sober!

I decided that since I was ignoring the world I could at least remember the reason for the day…so I watched a couple different History Channel programs on our military…

I also had a horrific migraine for about 36 hours…no fun…so laying low was almost inevitable anyway…but on the plus side…I didn’t wake up to any terrible or cruel messages, phone calls or visits. That is most definitely an improvement over last year…

But today is better, the sun is out, it’s hot even (’bout damn time!!) and I am feeling alright with the world…today is a good day…

Just when I thought it would be safe to come out…ok so actually that’s backwards. My weekend started out a lot more dramatic than it is now…of course it would be…it’s almost time to start the next week…So, here goes…

On Friday afternoon, JD called me when I was still at work. He had some lame excuse about wanting to check on G…bear in mind he already knew all that information as I had updated him that day…but whatever, I guess any excuse is better than none at all…especially since we’re not supposed to be anything other than friends.

I love the man dearly but JD c’mon!! You’re still married!!! We’re friends, and I’m glad for that…it’s starting to get to be a lot of drama…I don’t know how many times we are going to have to have these “why we can’t be together” conversations and it turned into an hour and a half ordeal…sigh…I miss the times when life was more simple…

I am almost used to JD’s behavior by now…but he said something that kind of hurt my feelings…We got into a discussion about birth order and how it influences a person’s development…as in, I’m a first born, so by definition I’m: loud, bossy, stubborn, mature, and a perfectionist…and did I mention I’m always right?

I accused JD of being a youngest child because of his behavior and he told me that I was dead wrong…he, in fact, is a middle child…which actually explains a hell of a lot more, come to think of it…so in the midst of this argument (and him trying to wrack my brain for insight into the birth order issue since I was a psych minor) he tells me that growing up he always had to be the grown-up and that has continued into his adult life…and why is it that we wouldn’t work out…after all…isn’t he entitled to at least one mid-life crisis…yeah kids…he really actually said that…he fuckin’ called me a mid-life crisis!!! Can you believe it? Oy!! As if that’s all this is actually about…if that were the case…he’d have moved on long ago…probably after I told him no the first time…

Yeah I know that guys like a challenge…blah, blah, blah…but this is deeper than that…when I called his out over it, he apologized and said that it’s not what he meant…but still, he said it…

Anyway, I feel like a broken record so often when we talk…I have to say the same things over and over again…all the time wondering when it will sink in and I can put my guard back down where it belongs…I hate having to guard my words, my actions, even my inflection…and I most certainly hate that I don’t even get to be friends with him anymore…I do feel bad that he can’t just talk about this with his good friends…he works with my dad, remember? And even if he didn’t…it’s not like his married friends are gonna support him…so what’s he gonna do? Tell his family? I think not…tell his wife? Oh there’s a good idea! So he’s all alone in this…but that shouldn’t have to be my fault or my problem…sigh…

He was waiting at my exit off the freeway Friday night…but I didn’t stop…I told him I wouldn’t and so far I’m living up to my word…it gets harder each time…I care less and less about “doing the right thing” everytime he’s in front of me…so I guess I should be grateful for my will power…and in a twisted way, I guess I’m thankful to Clark that he cheated on me…now that I know down to my core exactly what that feels like…there is no way in Hell I could ever inflict that pain on any one else…so I will stay strong and I will continue to wonder what if he’d never said anything at all…

My next post will be the current drama and twisting facets of my friendship with JD…wich I suppose is a bit unfair since for many of you that means you have to start in the middle…believe me this whole relationship is confusing enough, and I have been in it since the beginning…

So a little explanation on my twisted and confusing relationship with JD since so many of you have asked. JD is a friend of mine…he’s quite a bit older than me…and he works with my dad he works in the same fire department as my dad and while they work different days sometimes they do work together and he is really my dad’s protege in a lot of ways…. I’ve had a mad crush on him for literally like nine years, but it’s no big deal…we’re friends…

I told my sister the night I met JD (I was 15 or 16) that he was exactly what I wanted…her response: “Exactly what you want?” and I said, “well…not entirely, after all he’s married…but one just like him would be great.”

I found out on Valentine’s Day (way too apropos to actually be funny) that it’s not all in my head…everything I’ve always felt and said…apparently he feels it too…here’s the problem…he’s still married…yeah that is more than enough to stop both of us (or at least I always thought it was)…it’s like he said all the things that you’re not supposed to say out loud because he’s the one who is married…though he hasn’t had his ring on the last few times I’ve seen him and he always used to wear it…so not the point.

He’s not supposed to say those things in his out loud voice!! Oy!! makes things so much harder….sigh…and once he said it he didn’t balk or take it back or anything like that…the opposite actually, he owned it! And I don’t know what brought on his saying all that he did…I know he is under sooo much stress right now…but the way he said it mean that it’s not new that he feels like this…so maybe its just the stress caused him to say it out loud, or maybe he and his wife are having problems…I don’t know…i don’t know where it came from…sigh… and honestly it doesn’t matter…I WON’T do anything at all as long as he’s married… that’s not the kind of people we are…

It used to be a running joke amongst my friends that if JD weren’t married he and I would be together…despite our age difference and the scandal that it would cause. Never did I dream that it would be the actual truth…I mean, at least if it was in my head I could pretend it didn’t exist…I got really good at denying that I thought of him as anything other than a friend…

Now you’d thing that it would have stopped there…of course it didn’t because nothing in my life goes down the “easy” way…

A couple of weeks later… he called me around 8 a.m. and we talked for a while and then he said “so, what if i told you that I’m on your exit?” …I was completely in shock…and he was like “I really want to see you Jenn…I do better with you in person…” (apparently I make him nervous in the phone)

So I aked him what it was that he wanted to do… (In my head, I’m thinking… I’m so not presentable yet…I don’t want anyone to see me like that)

He just kept telling me that he didn’t care about anything else, he wanted to see me…and then he asked me whether he should turn onto my street or just keep driving…ok I’m not even dressed yet…there is no way in hell I’ma let him see me!!! (ok so I was in track pants and a tank top) so i told him that maybe for today it was better to keep driving and we’d figure out something else…

He didn’t like that answer…of course he didn’t… he kept saying that he just needed to see me, to talk to me in person…all that shit that men say to try to con girls into doing what they want…so I told him that there was a Starbucks about 15 min away and I would meet him there in 25min…so i got up and put makeup on and tried to be presentable…but definitely not cute because i knew what kind of talk I was gonna have to have and that I was going to have to resist doing anything inappropriate (unlike him, I remembered that he’s still married)

I was fully flipping out and I called Miss Jess and she and I talked out all the possible scenarios as I got ready…the hard part was that I knew what I had to say but part of me didn’t want didn’t want to…after all, I’ve been feining for this man for the last several years…

Anyway, when I got near there he called my cell and told me to follow him to somewhere less crowded…(no I’m really not as naïve as it’s making me sound…rather, I knew that for myself I HAD to see him face to face and be albe to diffuse the situation…) At this point I’m thinking…if you’re going to these extremes to not be seen with me then obviously this isn’t a very good idea…

So anyway we end up in an abandoned pool lot…yeah i know it just sounds bad and seedy…I’m cringing now to see it on paper…eek!! (I swear I’m really not that ghetto… “no Clark I don’t wanna be serviced in the driveway…I’m not a car!!”)

Ok so we park and I went and sat in his car (yeah, yeah, I know another dumb move by an otherwise intelligent girl)…anyway, he wrapped me in this huge hug…and may I just say, I don’t hug my friends like that…most especially not the married ones… when i first got in the car he charged me with having to be the responsible adult in the situation because he wasn’t going to be…so ok I will do it…just make sure you know what you’re saying…

so then I made him let go and we started talking…and I asked him point-blank what was going on and he said first: nothing…then he said we were just talking and then he said he didn’t know he just needed me there with him…oy!! Then he pulled me into his arms again…and believe me, I most certainly didn’t want to pull away…he tried to get me to flip around and sit in his lap (I’m not actually that dumb)…but I wouldn’t ‘cause I knew it wouldn’t stop there and I wouldn’t be able to keep myself from kissing him…at the very least….and so I told him no…

So i got back onto my side of the car and we started talking about why this couldn’t happen and i spent a really long time trying to explain to him that “no, it’s not one-sided…I want him more than i can say…but I can’t have him…there are more people involved than the two of us…and that no matter how much we pretend…it won’t change anything”

…he wasn’t listening to me at all…what followed was the most uncomfortable conversation of my life!!! I had to tell him exactly how much I have always wanted him and why… and the whole time he was holding my hands and stroking my arm…sigh…

I tried three times to leave and he kept asking me to stay so I did and then i finally realized i was totally losing my resolve…so I told him that absolutely i had to get out of the car because if I didn’t I just wasn’t going to…and eventually we would each have to go back to our separate realities…so i got up and opened the door and stood up and his response was, “ok you can go, but I want to hug you again and so I told him he had to get out of the car to do that and he argued for a minute but realized that I was resolved now and wasn’t about to cave…

so he got out of the car and said “the only rule was that I had to be out of the car right?” so then he came over to me and picked me up and sat/leaned on the hood of his car with me in his arms and our bodies just melded together…(I know ya’ll didn’t dial the 900 number, but ya did ask) Finally I pulled back a little bit and looked into those blue eyes of his…and I knew I HAD to look away or I was going to kiss him and immediately lose articles of clothing…so he pulled me back into his embrace and I responded so involuntarily…i couldn’t help it…

He took that as a sign that we really should be together…while I saw it as a clear sign that I needed to run! So I finally pulled away and got into my own car and rolled my window down and he knelt in my window and was still trying to convince me to stay with him…and he was rubbing my thigh and my arm…Eventually, he realized that i HAD to leave and so he leaned in to hug me one last time and started kissing my neck…oy gevalt…ok kids…he found the spot on my neck that just makes me melt…the spot that I can’t control my response to…ya’ll know what I’m talking about…you have them too…but because I was already buckled into my car I somehow told him no and that I was leaving…I’m fairly certain that my car actually put itself into gear and drove off…

Afterwards, he called to see if i was mad at him and to see if i hated him or whatever…and we had the whole why we can’t be together talk again …he wanted to talk in hypotheticals with me and I wouldn’t participate…because I can’t…

I want him way too much to let myself daydream…and he kept telling me that he thought it was worth it all (the scandal the drama…his family) But, since I’m not actually a lovesick teenage girl, I knew better than that and I told him that in the end it wouldn’t be worth it to him…he would lose too much and I couldn’t let him do that to himself or the people he loves (that and I realize, eventually he would resent me for all that he ended up losing, and that is something I am not able to handle)

Lord knows JD made it as hard as possible for me to say no and told me as much…he told me he wanted to sleep with me in his arms more than anything…and that he “was more than fairly certain that we would be absolutely outstanding together” …and can I tell you, the worst part…is that he is right…we would be…and its even worse knowing exactly what I’m missing out on…OY!! The “everything” would be really, really good…but it can’t happen… that’s just not an option…

So, back to the hypothetical situations he went…he wanted to talk about “what if” he was available…to which I told him that if he was…I wanted to be with him more than anything but since he isn’t we aren’t even going to discuss that…we have to find a middle ground somehow…

I kept trying to bring up his family or his wife or his marriage but…he was more worried about what would happen if my dad found out…For me, JD’s life, and career, and family are the most important things, I can take care of me…he has kids…and his entire career is built on his integrity…

So again we are at a quandary…I’ve spent the last four months trying to stay away from inviting more drama and doing everything I can to convince myself that it was all a mistake and won’t ever be an issue again…even though our friendship can’t ever be the same…now, aren’t you sorry you asked???

Well…ya know all the ish that G and I were going to take care of yesterday? It didn’t happen…oh not from a lack of trying, but because of the very sticky and rather gray areas surrounding the issues of jurisdiction and actual threat…see here is the thing…apparently some law enforcement agencies will investigate claims like G’s provided that it’s within their jurisdiction…that makes sense but here’s the kicker…the agencies within who’s jurisdiction all the ish took place won’t investigate claims without physical evidence…basically being threatened with attack and physical harm isn’t enough…apparently G has to actually have bruises to submit as evidence…

It’s so frustrating but anyway…I am persistent and JD gave me a couple more ideas of where to go. Poor guy is sick as all get out and he still called to see if I needed anything. Sigh…it’s true all the good ones are taken or otherwise unavailable (either emotionally, physically, geographically or legally)…ok enough of the pity party for myself…tomorrow is Friday…not that it means anything in and of itself…but whatever.

I think tonight I’ma go get Nikka’s new album…maybe that will lift my spirits a little. I know what part of my problem is though…I’ve known for a while but I haven’t wanted to accept or face it….

Most likely, by the end of summer, one of two things will happen…I will get a job back down in San Diego or Temecula; or Miss Jess will get a job up here out of Sacramento. My frustration is this: I am incredibly qualified, I have excellent recommendations, I interview well…and no one will give me a job. I like the job I have but the pay isn’t shit! (and yes, that is the nicest thing I could think of) As it is, I work my arse off and in order to move I will have to pick up a second job…

The job I have now is specialized…it’s complicated and they couldn’t just replace me…but that doesn’t encourage them to take care of me or anyone else I work with for that matter. It’s ridiculous…with my level of education…my work ethic and level of skill, I shouldn’t have to work two full-time jobs just to get by…I know this is California and all but c’mon now!! I don’t even have freakin’ health insurance!! I know some of ya’ll can totally relate…it’s disheartening…and if one more company tells me I’m overqualified…I’ma scream!!

I may possibly have an internship job in Temecula within the next six months and that would honestly be a dream come true…it would be everything I’ve wanted to do…and I would be working for an old boss of mine whom I respect more than just about anyone…it would also give me the opportunity for a fresh start…but that’s part of the problem…everything is hypothetical…

I hate living in hypotheticals…I’m a realist after all…it’s that whole Aries-Taurus Cusp rearing it’s ugly head…c’est la vie… I know I said I would stop whining…and now I’m done…end rant…

FIN.