Musings of an Empress

The days seem to just drag on right now. In some ways it feels like life is sailing past; but the things that really matter, well time practically stands still. Professionally I’m doing well…or so I hear. I’ve gotten great feedback on all the projects I’ve completed. In fact, I was tagged this week to work on projects specifically for the General. The Deputy Directors have been requesting me for a while now; their positive reception of my work is gratifying and I really need that to stay in this job.  We had an ORISE team meeting today and my project manager (read: guy who hired me) told me that there is a position, identical to the one I hold, opening in
Tennessee. Actually, it the exact job I wanted when I applied back in April last year. My boss told me he would put in a transfer request if I wanted it…I turned it down. No questions asked. I just said, “No thank you”.  Maybe it was a mistake; but I don’t think so. If I left right now it would be wrong for several reasons.  

1. Right now I would be using this as an escape from the parts of my life that I’m not happy with
2. There is no way that Oakridge could offer me the opportunities of professional growth that I already have here
3. G-ma and G-pa are back on this coast so my major reason for moving is no longer valid
4. Moving right now would be nothing more than an escape from the parts of my life that I’m not happy with [redundancy is intentional here, kids]

I get to start with a new boss in just over two weeks, after our After Action Report is on the Governor’s desk and I can’t wait. I will be shadowing the Exercise Director through the planning and execution of the Statewide Full Scale Exercise in November. Working for a loud retired firefighter is right up my alley.  We get along great and being a multi-tasker is definitely coming in handy. I swear he’s yet to finish one sentence before he’s on to the next thought. Anyway, I’m already getting to have a hand in all the processes involved in putting together statewide disaster preparedness exercises.   I’ve been throwing myself into my work even more than normal to make up for the fact that Adrian and I have been having a rough patch…or at least he’s been having a rough patch. I don’t know much and I don’t want to talk about what I do know…it’s tough enough to acknowledge it in my own mind. But when my personal life is up in the air…my professional life flourishes. Fortunately there is enough work to keep me busy and my mind mostly off of
Adrian…at least between the hours of 8 and 6.  I would also like to take this opportunity to plug the amazing quality of MAC make-up. I spent about 15 minutes driving and crying this morning and when I got to Starbucks, my make up was still perfect…the only telling feature was the redness of my eyes. When I got to work, no one was the wiser. MAC rocks, period.

So I stole this idea from <a href=”http://sios.mu.nu/”>Miss Joan</a> it just took me a little longer to get mine written.

1. I’m an Aries/Taurus Cusp kid. I was born directly in the center of the “Week of Power” which should explain a lot.
2.  I used to speak fluent Spanish…I even dream in Spanish when I’m really tired. While I was in college I taught myself Latin.  I also read and comprehend French.
3. I lived in
   N. Hollywood for a while. The city sucked…the apartment rocked. You can see it in Fast and the Furious.
4. I used to be head of PR for an independent clothing company…we had a huge celebrity following but the start-up capital wasn’t there and the company folded despite its popularity.
5. I used to live in
   Mexico every summer…if I could move back there for good I would do it in a heart beat.
6. My scariest moment happened before my senior year in high school. I was almost kidnapped in
   Mexico. I was dragged two blocks and down some stairwell before anyone got to me.  If one of my friends hadn’t been there…I wouldn’t be here now. To this day I will not willingly set foot in
   Tijuana.
7.  I like a man who knows how to use his hands; in fact, hands are one of the first physical features I notice on a man.
8. My favorite place to watch a sunset is the Ferry Landing in
   Coronado
9. My favorite artist is Shano; my favorite poets are Viggo Mortensen and Henry Rollins
10. I was born a firstborn…but after my parents adopted or took in other kids, I am now a third born….I’m still not used to being bossed around.
11. It’s been three years, but when I tell time my brain still automatically calculates the time in
    Iraq.
12. I see other people’s dreams all the time. Sometimes more vividly than they see it themselves…it used to scare me.
13. I dream walk…I have since I was 5 years old. It gets kinda crowded in my head sometimes.
14. There are three people I feel to the core of my being at all times.
15. If given the opportunity, I would trade my opposite soul for what’s behind door #2.
16. I wasn’t always an insomniac. It started when
    Clark went overseas…only recently has my body readjusted from Operation Iraqi Freedom time.
17. Other girls intimidate me sometimes. Guys make more sense to me.
18. I am irrationally terrified of lawn gnomes. I really do freak out if I see one unexpectedly. I’m also afraid of green parrots…I don’t like birds, but it’s mostly green parrots that scare me.
19. The first concert I ever went to was the Moody Blues when I was three.
20. I am a recovered anorexic purger. I don’t ever get on scales. If required to, I face backwards and close my eyes…just in case.
21.  I have colored my hair since I was 11…I don’t actually know what my “natural” hair color would be now.
22. I was a competitive cheerleader when I was a kid. Then, I coached cheer in college. I was also in colorguard in high school. (I know MOH is cringing to read this)
23. I was a ballet dancer for 12 years. I passed all my examinations through the Royal Academy of Ballet,
    London.  That means I fall gracefully.
24. I quit dancing to ride horses competitively.  I own two horses but I haven’t ridden since high school.
25. I have broken all of my toes except my big toes. (Some more than once). I’ve also broken three ribs, my tailbone and my elbow….only a few of these happened because of my clumsiness.
26. Read the rest of this entry »

Happy New Year!!

I don’t believe in resolutions; I figure, if there is something that I want to change about myself then I should just change it. There is no reason to wait around for a new year to start. However, I do have a couple wishes for the new year.

1. It is my hope that each and everyone of you has a year of peace, joy and friendship.
2. I wish for MOH and I to grasp all the happiness and love there is to be gained from this world. It’s our turn to shine, MOH.
3. I want to see the beauty in the little things this year, even with thr stress of everyday life.

I don’t think I’m asking or expecting too much from this next year…only what I know is very possible. I enjoyed the second half of 2006 and I’ve decided that I’m looking forward to the start of 2007.

Love and light to all of you.

Today is the three year anniversary of the death of Spc. Michael G. Mihalakis. He was a member of Clark’s unit in Iraq. Michael died of injuries sustained in a non-combat vehicle accident at the Baghdad International Airport on December 26, 2003.

In some ways it seems difficult to believe that three whole years have passed…in others it seems as if it was an entire lifetime ago. I think that too many of us have lost a personal connection to this war and to the soldiers still fighting it. I know that personally, I would have completely lost touch with the day to day events of the war if it weren’t for MOH and the men in uniform I work with.

However, even with the craziness and stress of everyday life, it’s still important to remember those who gave their all. So, to Michael’s family: Thank you. While my words can never replace what you lost, know that you have my gratitude. I know that nothing can bring your son back; but he will always be remembered.

Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, Joyeux Noël, Natal feliz!!

It’s been said that Christmas is the time to tell the truth about what you really want, so in the spirit of the season, here is my list:

1. I want Adrian’s dad to stop suffering and his mom to get some rest.
2. I want Adrian to be able to not worry so much about family and money and how to make all the pieces fit.
3. I want MOH to start believing in herself and the amazing quality of her writing.
4. I want MOH to be safe in Iraq next year
5. I want my own grandpa to enjoy the time he has left.
6. I want to be able to pick up extra hours at the old place and for those hours combined with my regular job to be enough to finally pay all my bills
7. I want all the people I love to have all the joy and love this world has to offer.
8. and I want those people to know that I love them with every fiber of my being

Thank you all for being a part of my life. “Merry Christmas to us, every one.”

The confusion inside of me seems unsurmountable right now. I don’t know…I feel like I’m back on that carousel like before. No, it doesn’t have anything to do with Clark. I’m just at a low point and things I thought I knew have ceased to exist in their proper form. What I need right now is some clarity…maybe someday.

“On the road again” seems to be my theme song these days. I have been traveling quite a bit for work. No where exciting unless you count Norwalk and Fresno as hotspots in the great state of California. I don’t know but maybe San Diego jaded me. At any rate, it appears that my scribing skills are in high demand. I have been to several conferences and meetings throughout the Department. The way I hear it, there are actually specific requests for my “skills”…all this for a girl who doesn’t type with her fingers on the correct keys. There is no accounting for taste apparently.

Tomorrow I have a conference all day and I’m not particularly excited about the subject matter. Though I suppose it’s good for me to be exposed to all the different areas under the Department’s control. At the least, I am hoping I won’t fall asleep…one of the Deputy Directors is giving the presentation.

This schedule is good for my career…or so they tell me. Ya know, it wasn’t that long ago that I was dying to travel and be constantly on the go. Now…well, I am just glad that my trip this week was cancelled. I just want to be at home. I have seen Adrian for precisely 15 minutes in the last week. Yeah, we think it’s ridiculous too. But, that’s life right now.

Adrian’s dad is out of the hospital again and apparently in better spirits after being told by his sons that if he wants to return to Mexico, they will facilitate that request. It looks as though Adrian’s parents will be here through Christmas and head home shortly thereafter. I think that as terrible as it sounds, he will be better off in his home, even if it’s away from the majority of his kids.

The way I see it, Adrian will stress about his dad whether he’s in the same country or not. Maybe now at least the pressure from the rest of the family will dissipate once mom and dad are back home. As it stands right now, Adrian catches hell if he goes even one day without visiting his parents. God forbid he wants to spend time with me. I know that part of this is cultural and part of this is because Adrian is the youngest of 14. Either way, I won’t cry when we finally have “us” time again. Perhaps that makes me a horrible, selfish person…but I have been more than understanding the last several months. The pressure of family is wearing Adrian thin and while I can about his family…Adrian…not his siblings…is my main concern.

The dread is growing…it’s stronger than it’s been in a long time. We are all feeling it. What the it is remains to be seen. Neither G nor Adrian have any idea of what is coming, though they’ve both been warned to be very careful the next few days.  

G had a horrific call a few days ago, but that obviously wasn’t the it we are waiting out. I have yet to be able to calm the chills that are coursing through my body. My stomach and spine are still in knots and I can barely concentrate on work. There isn’t enough to keep my mind focused on anything other that the unknown. It’s getting stronger…  My sleep has been very disturbed again. Last night I saw blood on the moon…though there wasn’t any when I looked out the window.  I am terrified that being near me will end up causing Adrian pain. I can’t lose him… Usually, if I’m worried about something in regards to
Adrian, it has more to do with the fact that I can be very intense and it tends to scare people who either don’t know me or at least don’t know how to handle me. When I’m in a relationship, I’m very focused and my energy can be overwhelming. I’m always thinking of little ways (or sometimes big ways) to show the man I’m with how much I care about him. Adrian has told me that it takes some getting used to…that he’s never had another girl be so considerate of his needs, wants, feelings. If he says he wants something, I do everything in my power to make it happen…especially if it’s something he mentions in passing and doesn’t expect me to remember.  

See,  I don’t even think about being in a relationship until I can give a lot of myself…otherwise I run the risk of burning myself out because that person will still get the same amount of my energy. Right now, I am not burning out; but that is at the expense of many friendships…that and Adrian may not know what to do with my intensity…but he doesn’t run from it either.  

But today, my fear is more worry and it’s actually for him. Not just esoterically, but actually, physically, bodily. If it’s emotional…it will still be felt physically. There have been several times when I have worried about him and with good reason each time. This time, I was scared to let go of him. I clung to him longer than normal this morning. I think that’s how he knew I was serious when I told him about what I sensed. It’s taking everything in me not to call him every hour to check on him. But, until I know more it won’t do any good to hover.

Just wish I had some idea…and it would be great if the moon would stop bleeding on my dreams…

Much has changed in the last several months. I am still in the same cities; but little else in my life is the same. I am now fully involved in the ORISE job and I can finally share some of it with ya’ll.  

I am now a contractor with the Governor’s Office of Homeland Security. I am on a couple task forces, but the majority of the next year will be spent as the personal assistant of the lead planner. I am excited and overwhelmed with all that is going on.  

I am younger than ever other person in this office by at least ten years…it’s more than a little intimidating some days. The only thing that keeps me going back is the knowledge that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. MOH and I know that none of this has happened by accident and we are going to need every piece that has been put into play. 

I work 10-14 hours days five to six days a week. I have little time for anyone or anything not work related, and it sucks. But, this is the path that I’m on and I choose my choice. I really appreciate those of you who has stuck around anyway. My close friends have all been very supportive of the fact that I have nothing to give to anyone right now.  

Believe me, I miss all of you; but I am doing all I can to survive right now. My schedule doesn’t open up until the middle of February.  It’s a daunting thought for me too…but it’s what I have to work with right now.  

On a slightly happier note, Adrian (cute boy) and I are doing well. We don’t see each other nearly as much as either of us would like; but I hear that’s just part of being a grown-up. We have had our ups and downs and each time we’ve come out stronger as a pair. It’s something I am still getting used to. I’m still learning how to be in a grown-up relationship and it’s taking some work.  

MOH and Grace get on my case when I say that one of these days,
Adrian is going to wake up and realize that he is way out of my league. I’m not just being self-deprecating…he really is that fantastic. See, I’ve dated some wonderful men…they had their demons, but who among us doesn’t? But with all of them, I was the better person in the relationship. I’m not trying to be conceited…think back with me…Ya’ll have heard the horror stories about the destruction of Clark and me. We all know that Kolohe was not a healthy situation…there was Daniel…basically, I have a pattern.  

I pick men with (and I hate this word) potential. But I don’t pick men who have become. I always find them in the transition. I’m good at picking up pieces…it’s what I do. And it usually ends in me getting hurt…though I am pretty guarded in choosing who is allowed into my heart in the first place. 

Then along came
Adrian. He is a bona-fide grown-up. He is (as my dad says) child-like without being childish. It’s what I’ve always wanted. And it came in a package I would have never suspected. See, for those of you who know me in any other plane, you know what I usually pick up off the shelf.
Adrian isn’t any of those things, and it turns out he’s exactly what I’ve needed all along. 

He makes me laugh. He lets me cry. He believes I am strong enough and smart enough to do anything I put my mind to…but he’s never expected me to be perfect. He apologizes when he’s wrong and it’s rarely a fight to get there. He makes me act like a grown-up when it comes to the important things; but he lets me be silly too.  We’ve had some rough ground to cover, and we’ve picked up our share of baggage from each other’s past; but it’s made us stronger.  

There are days when I don’t know how all the pieces will fit…there are so many differences in our worlds. Our backgrounds are like night and day; and it’s not been an easy road…it’s been more like a mountain climb without Sherpas. That’s not news to anyone, least of all me. The difference this time, is that
Adrian is in this with me…I’m used to fighting battles alone. 

In the rest of my person relationships, I have become the invisible friend. I have pulled back completely from acquaintances and those who demand of me without giving back. I don’t have the energy or even the desire to keep those relationships up. Maybe that’s cold and callous…I don’t know. But I know that for the first time in my life, I’m putting myself first in some areas just to survive. And you know, I’m actually sleeping most nights.  Don’t misunderstand me, there are several people I love dearly and hate that I haven’t been in contact with them; something I hope to rectify after the first of the year.  

For the time being, I am working non-stop and traveling several days a week for work. Someday I will emerge…hopefully intact. I know that most of you will still be there cheering me on, and for that I am eternally grateful…more than I could ever express.  

Je vous aime tout.

I am so glad that tomorrow is Friday, and as such is my last day at the law firm. I start my new job first thing Monday morning but I’ve been so busy and stressed out that I haven’t even given myself time to think about it all. I spent time today cleaning out my office and that has made the transition more tangible. My coworkers are still in denial about me leaving, at least that’s what they keep telling me.

In addition to my career change, my dad is in the midst of change himself. He officially retires on August 1st, though his last shift is the 27th. He will retire with 31 years in this department and a total of 35 years as a firefighter. This decision has been a long time coming though the timing has turned out to be rather abrupt. It was only a week ago that he signed the paperwork…we’re all still reeling a bit…my dad included.

The main cause behind his expidited exit is my grandfather’s health. Last Friday, he and g-ma went to the oncologist. They were finally given a no bullshit assessment…the doctor gave my grandfather two to three months. Grandpa has been in quite a bit of pain since June and he’s been getting increasingly weaker. His spirits are still pretty good but the bad days are starting to almost equal the good.

They will take one final trip to Cali together next month. My nina is going to fly back to Tennessee to accompany them and my dad will take the return trip with them. It is my plan to spend a week there in September, whether it’s to say goodbye to grandpa or to comfort g-ma remains to be seen. All in all, it’s been a rather long week around here.

I’m doing the best I can, but the mania is swinging back around. I actually called JD tonight because I felt like I was losing control. I’m better now and I know that tomorrow is just another day. No, it’s more than that…it’s the last day I have to spend in the seventh circle of hell…I can’t wait for my new adventure to begin.